If life were fair, it would be terribly boring
A friend of mine recently came to my office for help with a challenging colleague (we’ll call him “Donkey”). He’s mean, unhelpful, rude, insulting, and dismissive … and of course the expert in her area, from whom she’s supposed to learn. “It’s not fair,” she tells me. “Why does he have to be so difficult?” She wanted my thoughts on how to deal with a playing field that’s clearly not level.
I gave her my advice, which ranged from making it a game (thank you Mary Poppins!) to count and track how many insults Donkey could deliver in a given session (and later providing him feedback on whether he’s maintained the rudeness factor or slipping in his mission to be a jackass), and more seriously to finding alternate paths to gather the same information by seeking out and networking with others in the company working on different aspects of her product. Sometimes when life deals you a bum hand, you just have to be creative in finding ways to make it work. I emphasized that it’s her issue that Donkey’s making her life miserable – not his. He probably either enjoys it, or hasn’t thought twice about it. With that, it’s up to her to figure it out.
Let’s take a moment to determine what exactly “Fair” is. Looking at Webster’s dictionary online, none of the eleven definitions for the adjective “fair” really address what people usually mean by “it’s not fair!” in the context we’re discussing. I think what people mean to say is, “it’s not right,” with the underlying premise of righteousness and a value-judgment defining an absolute right to which all situations must theoretically conform. Someone works really hard on something, going above and beyond all normal thresholds… many would say it’s only “right” that they be rewarded with success, and perhaps recognition for that success. The concept of “deserving” enters the picture here. You hear “she got lucky – she didn’t deserve that,” or “he worked very hard – he really deserved it.” Gosh I hate the notion of “deserving” anything, good, bad, or otherwise. I’ll also gladly take a dose of luck anytime … especially at the card table!
The thing is, the law of cause and effect is fickle, and the interdependencies of life is complex. Bad things happen to good people, and vice versa. A kind person eats right, exercises regularly, doesn’t smoke or excessively drink … and dies from an aggressive cancer that comes out of nowhere. Perhaps it was genetic, or maybe it was an invisible environmental hazard that nobody knew about. A cruel leader runs a country to the ground, starving his population, trashing his economy, while personally living a long healthy life in luxury until he dies peacefully in his sleep, and his heir picks up where he left off. Is either situation fair or right? Given that we probably can’t do much about either situation (short of invading the country and overthrowing the government in the second scenario), does it matter? Life just isn’t fair.
I’ll venture into politics (which I hate) for a moment. We’ll use a classic macroeconomic example that’s a fairly hot current topic – nationalized healthcare. Should we nationalize healthcare, so it’s available to everybody? If we don’t, there are millions who will go without proper medical care, and have to live a more difficult, painful (and probably shorter) life because they can’t pay for it. If we do, everyone will have access, and the burden of paying for it will fall disproportionately on everyone else, while access to the folks paying for it may decrease as the demand increases. Neither outcome of this argument strikes me as fair or right, from a humanitarian POV on one side and an economic POV on the other. So now we get into the discussion of underlying values and how we prioritize one virtue over another. My conclusion is that there is no such thing as fair (or right) … because everyone has his or her own vantage point and underlying values. So – life isn’t fair. That’s OK.
The good news is that because life isn’t fair, it gives each and every one of us room to excel and to reap (hopefully) the rewards of our efforts. Generally (although not always) life does bestow its riches on those who make the effort to achieve them. Those who put a lot of time and effort into building and nurturing their families and personal relationships generally are rewarded with a rich social fabric to wrap themselves in. Those who pour their personal resources into innovation and/or business ventures often will be rewarded with a successful career and/or company. Those who take good care of their physical, mental, and spiritual beings tend to live longer, healthier, happier lives. On the flip side, those who let small speed bumps stop them in their tracks tend to be unhappier and unhealthier, and they tend to project it out toward those closest to them.
Of course out of nowhere, a hurricane or tsunami could roll through and everything will all the sudden be upside down… or may be it won’t. Either way, Mother Nature doesn’t distinguish between the estates and the ghettos, the kind and the nasty, the book smart and the street smart. She’s quite impartial. That’s life!
Bottom line is that it’s critical to take adversity and to use it as a growth catalyst (insert making lemonade from lemons cliché here, LOL!). Find alternative solutions, be persistent and tenacious, and keep your optimism tank full! When Mother Nature gets frisky, you’ll be well equipped to pick up the pieces and carry on.
Back to my friend, as luck would have it, my group was kicking off a cross-company task force in her particular area, so we extended the invitation for her to join that very afternoon. At the very least, it would be an opportunity for her to get to know others who could help her on her quest for knowledge. At best, she would be a significant contributor to the task force’s success. Either way, had we not had the conversation over lunch, neither of us would have thought to bring her into the fold. On the very first call, she was able to provide important contacts for a legal question that arose, and the team made forward progress. Thanks Donkey, for being a jerk and driving her to my office for our conversation! She and our company are better off for it.
Action Challenge: Next time you find yourself saying “that’s not fair!” pause and ask yourself what exactly “Fair” looks like, and is it just fair to you, or across the board. Then brush it off and move on. Life has never been fair (just ask the creatures at the bottom of the food chain!), and it never will be. Get over it and find opportunities to be on the other side of the unfair equation!
Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world… and I’m wearing Milkbone underwear.”
-Norm Peterson of “Cheers”
© Stephanie Lennon 2009
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