I've admittedly been struggling this summer. At work I was asked to take on a new role in a new area of strategic importance to the company. I believe it was an honor, and a testament to the reputation I've been forging for myself over the past 2.5 years I've been here. It wasn't something I wanted though. Whether partially because of that fact or not, I've been struggling.
The fact that I'm struggling at something brand new to me is no shock at all. My life history shows a pattern of struggle in my first 4-6 months of doing anything new. It was true in college, true in grad school, true at my new companies and new roles within them, whenever they entailed significant change and needing to learn new areas or behaviors or skills. I am the kind of person who likes to go figure things out in private so I can emerge on the public stage looking adept and knowledgeable. I don't like struggling publically. It's extremely uncomfortable to me. My goal was to get this 4-6 month breaking in period down to 2-3. I missed that self-imposed deadline two weeks ago.
What baffles me is why I am struggling. It's not that I've been asked to do anything hard or beyond my capabilities. I can put plans together and assemble PowerPoint decks. No problem.
Perhaps it is because I don't think the role I've been asked to play will really make a difference, given its relative position amongst all the moving pieces that this initiative is. Perhaps I don't like writing down plans that I fully believe will be 75% unrealized. Perhaps it's because the things we're being asked to do now can't be done yet (technically speaking) and I'm struggling to convince my superiors otherwise. Maybe it's just all very intangible at the moment, and I really like doing work where I can see the fruits of my own labor. Maybe it's the individual contributor nature of the role and I miss having a team to lead - or I'm afraid that my own contributions aren't enough. Enough what - I don't know - I paused when I typed that - but perhaps the ephemeral, ever present "not enough."
I definitely have Insecure Ivy chattering away in my head. I need to find a way to quiet her. Who's she? One of the voices that lives in my head. No, I'm not schizophrenic but we all have them. You know - when you say "part of me thinks this, but another part of me says that...?" Those are them. Let's start naming and recognizing the girls for who they are. Theoretically if we make sure they all get heard, then it will be clearer to me how to move forward in any given situation. We'll see.
So anyway, I'm struggling and I'm still not sure why. I need to get past it and get back to being the Rock Star I am. That's one comfort zone I'd always like to be in.
Perhaps the one to help me get back there (and the way I "go back" is by moving forward of course) is my recently quiet Cheerleader Charlie. She must have been on vacation lately (or perhaps was abducted in a sordid scandal) but I welcome her back with open arms. I need Charlie here by my side at all times. She helps me operate at my best. Then again maybe she was here all summer after all, simply whispering as she desperately vyed for my attention.
Charlie, I've missed you. I'm listening now. Ivy - ssshhh. It's Charlie's turn to talk. We take turns in this family. It's what we do.
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