Dare Not to Compare

I just finished reading a WONDERFUL book, Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  As a parent of two young children, I'm anticipating years of sibling rivalry, squabbles, and general chaos in the home, if my own childhood is any indication of the future.  I bumped into a neighbor at a local park recently, and she recommended this book to me.  I bought it that same afternoon.


There are several excellent points that the authors raise, but my current thoughts keep swirling around one point in particular... that is not to compare your children.  When used in a positive meaning way, you're sure to have someone misunderstand and feel bad or resentful.  When used in a negative meaning way, you're also sure to have someone misunderstand and feel bad and resentful.  When used in a neutral context - you got it - you're sure to have someone misunderstand.  They'll feel bad and resentful too, by the way.


It's difficult not to compare.  I don't know if everyone does this, but I automatically compare pretty much everything in my life.  I guess we all have standards in our heads - they don't start hardwired, but after years of development and reinforcement by life's experiences, they become pretty unbreakable.  Everything we experience then gets bounced against these standards to assess good, bad, more, less, right, wrong, earlier, later, and so on.  I have to believe it is only natural for us to look at two children who come from the same parents and household, and to evaluate one vs. the other.


My big ah-hah from Faber and Mazlish is DON'T DO IT.  I am trying not to verbalize comparisons (Max is more vocal than Geli;  Geli is more articulate than Max;  ... ) but the harder challenge is not to make the comparisons in my head in the first place.  I need to look at each child on his or her absolute merits - not on relative ones.  Sure, I want to know that their growth and development is within the norms of childhood development... but does it really matter how one tracks against the other?  I'm open to alternative view points;  in the meantime I'm trying not to draw comparisons, and encouraging those around them to keep theirs to themselves.  MAN is it difficult though!

Sesame Street Role Models

Well I'll be darned.  I'm starting to think Elmo is a pretty good role model.

Before you start checking me into the looney bin, let me explain!  As a parent of an almost-2-yr-old, we've been slowly letting more TV into Geli's life.  As a baby, it was mostly NFL and Sports Center, with an occasional hockey game thrown in for balance.  Once she became actually cognizant of the TV, and when I needed a distraction for her while I fed Max, we started venturing into Baby Einstein.  At first, this seemed like a boring, trippy, experience - how on earth are they making money off of low budget videos of toys and ordinary kids?  We quickly recognized it to be baby crack - which also has a nicely calming effect on us adults too.  Who knew?  This however is another story for another time.

After watching every Baby Einstein a million times, the next evolutionary TV step was Sesame Street.  I remember it from my childhood as colorful Muppets and friendly, goofy adults, sponsored each week by a letter (or two) and a number.  Now I haven't been living so deeply under rocks these past 15 years to be totally oblivious to Elmo.  I recall when the Tickle Me Elmo stampedes were in the news, and I figured this was an updated version of the Cabbage Patch Kids of my youth.  My take on Elmo was - very red - very annoying - and for some reason, very beloved by children everywhere.  For our own sanity however, we weren't inviting Elmo into our home unnecessarily.

This is where modern day Sesame Street comes into play.  As we're sitting on the sofa feeding Max, I put it on TV.  My conclusions are as follows:

1. The adults are still both friendly and goofy.  They sing a lot.  Their songs (and the earnestness with which they sing them) crack me up, which speaks to point #2.
2. The Sesame Street writers are HYSTERICAL.  They're writing for the kids, but they're slipping in some pretty funny zingers for us adults too.  LOVE IT.
3. Abby and her flying fairy school is uber annoying.  Not a fan, don't like it, don't get it.  Fast-forward.  Yay TiVo.
4. Elmo, dare I say it, is a fabulous role model.  I'm not talking about Elmo's World, but just his interactions on Sesame Street with the other Muppets and the friendly, goofy adults.  It took me a few episodes to come to this conclusion, but hear me out.  If you can get past his high pitched, annoying voice, he is unfailingly positive.  If he can't get what he wants immediately, he waits patiently.  If he can't get what he wants at all, he pretends.  He is friendly and kind to everyone he interacts with, with never a bad word to say about anyone.  He is curious, and he is willing to try new things.  He smiles, he laughs, and he loves.  How on earth can a child NOT fall in love with this red fur ball?  Kudos Elmo, You have another fan.

I guess we're never too old to open our minds to new ideas and new influences.  The more we can see the world through our children's eyes, the younger we stay.  Elmo - I'm watching you.  Don't let me down, and don't ever grow up!

Cheers and have a great week!  Happy Monday.

When It's OK to be Scatterbrained

I've been spending a lot of time lately trying to map out the next chapter of my professional, and possibly personal life (depending on where the job takes the family). One day I'm looking at local specialty jobs, the next I'm considering a cross country move for a dream role, and the next I'm talking to a girlfriend about starting up a women-owned government contracting company together.

Some might consider this scatterbrained, but I like to look at it more as examining all my options, checking my premises as I go. I learned once in a problem solving exercise that you get your best results by starting out considering all ideas regardless how divergent, then setting your filtering/decision-making criteria, and converging in on the best one or few. It's a new approach for me, since I'm more accustomed to coming up with a plan right off the bat and beelining to the finish line.

It's definitely a great learning, growth experience for me. Hopefully I don't drive my family cuckoo for cocoa puffs in the process!

One Key to Happiness

I spoke with one of my old mentors today, TK.  I would have known his voice anywhere, and it was truly great to speak after several years.  We discussed my new job search, and how to decide when a job (and potentially a relocation) is right for you.  He reminded me of his tried and true formula for happiness, which is striking the balance between Personal, Professional, and Financial goals.  The balance isn't implied to be 1/3 ~ 1/3 ~ 1/3, but rather a formula that flexes over time as your life situation evolves.  He has applied this in his own life and career on an ongoing basis, and it was a great reminder to me.

DH and I have been discussing the potential to move out of state for a phenomenal job opportunity these past few days, and what first was a NO WAY is now a COULD BE.  There is no right or wrong answer, but as TK reminded me, as long as any decision is well thought through, it will be the right one for us at this time in our family's life.  Worst case scenario, if we don't like where our decision(s) take us, we can always make a new decision and start afresh.  Life is all about new beginnings;  in fact each dawn can be considered one.  When we stop taking chances and trying new things, we're on our deathbed.  The only question is how long it will take to turn the lights off at the end.

I don't know if this particular out-of-state opportunity will come through or not, but whatever choices present themselves will be evaluated using TK's three lens model.  I am grateful for the reminder, as today's conversation certainly wasn't the first time I'd been exposed to it, but sometimes we forget wisdom we have received in the past.  This time I'm writing it down!  Thanks TK - you're the best.