Dare Not to Compare

I just finished reading a WONDERFUL book, Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  As a parent of two young children, I'm anticipating years of sibling rivalry, squabbles, and general chaos in the home, if my own childhood is any indication of the future.  I bumped into a neighbor at a local park recently, and she recommended this book to me.  I bought it that same afternoon.


There are several excellent points that the authors raise, but my current thoughts keep swirling around one point in particular... that is not to compare your children.  When used in a positive meaning way, you're sure to have someone misunderstand and feel bad or resentful.  When used in a negative meaning way, you're also sure to have someone misunderstand and feel bad and resentful.  When used in a neutral context - you got it - you're sure to have someone misunderstand.  They'll feel bad and resentful too, by the way.


It's difficult not to compare.  I don't know if everyone does this, but I automatically compare pretty much everything in my life.  I guess we all have standards in our heads - they don't start hardwired, but after years of development and reinforcement by life's experiences, they become pretty unbreakable.  Everything we experience then gets bounced against these standards to assess good, bad, more, less, right, wrong, earlier, later, and so on.  I have to believe it is only natural for us to look at two children who come from the same parents and household, and to evaluate one vs. the other.


My big ah-hah from Faber and Mazlish is DON'T DO IT.  I am trying not to verbalize comparisons (Max is more vocal than Geli;  Geli is more articulate than Max;  ... ) but the harder challenge is not to make the comparisons in my head in the first place.  I need to look at each child on his or her absolute merits - not on relative ones.  Sure, I want to know that their growth and development is within the norms of childhood development... but does it really matter how one tracks against the other?  I'm open to alternative view points;  in the meantime I'm trying not to draw comparisons, and encouraging those around them to keep theirs to themselves.  MAN is it difficult though!