Sweet Peas Shouldn't Need Sweetening!!!

I'm so disappointed. I bought a can of organic peas thinking the kids might like them. First of all, they didn't ... Which is ok because come on - they're kids, and they're peas. The annoying part is that I don't want to finish them, having just read the label. The manufacturer added sugar!  WTH?  Were they not sweet enough?  Too low quality to stand on their own?  Peas, water, cane juice, and sea salt. Grrrr... Back to frozen (which actually taste better anyway). But just sayin'...

Organic or not, peas don't need sugar. 

Morality Play

Yesterday I baked up a bunch of Christmas sweets for my family and our kids' teachers and it dawned on me... If I'm concluding that sugar is definitively bad for me [most of us] ... Is it wrong to create and offer it to others?  Is it for me to decide (other than for my kids)?  Thoughts?

Must run away

Oh my golly, the smell of fresh, baking, honest to goodness gingerbread is KILLING ME!!!!!

That's all

Twelve Pounds in Twelve Months

A wonderful thing happened on December 15. I reached my 2014 goal of losing 12 pounds in 12 months. It was my 2014 New Years resolution, and for at least one day, I made it!  I have accomplished something really important to me, and I'm very happy.  I'm now at a 6 year low (if not longer) and I'm proud of myself. How much of it was due to hormonal changes coming off of breastfeeding Brie - or in spite of it - who knows. It doesn't matter. I did it!!!!!!  

My husband asked me the other day about whether I'm supposed to be stepping on the scale, during this "it's not a diet plan" experiment. He's right, by the letter of the Whole30 law, we're not supposed to do that. I'd originally decided that I'll be fine stepping on the scale during my whole 30, as I was finding it motivational. But ... dear husband is right that it's against the rules. [Has he been researching this on his own?  Hmm]  With that, now my goal is to stay off the scale until December 31 and see what happens when I get there. I am hoping that I'll have shed a little more, but I'm hoping worst case, I've held even. Fingers crossed, and let's get to the gym!!  (I'm blogging from the stationary bike, FWIW.  Yeah multitasking :)  I have a cruise to take in January and gosh darn it, I'm going to look awesome!

Seriously, this has been such an interesting journey to me as I think through all the things that I've been doing differently. I've cut out added sugar (wine), dairy, grains, and legumes. It's had its challenges, especially when there's a really hot melty cheese pizza coming fresh out of the oven. I don't begrudge my family their pizza, and I keep reminding myself that I don't need it.  It's not helping me be healthy - for me or for them.

The road to health is a very interesting one, that certainly wouldn't typically be classified as "fun."  It's starting with breaking very established habits, including deep inactivity and lots of stress eating and often mindless snacking. One of my measures of success has to be that when I walk past the galleys at work, my head does not automatically turn to see if anyone's put out any choice leftovers from catered brunches or lunches.  I do that now almost 100% of the time. It's so Pavlovian. Woof.  According to the research it also entails breaking some physical/physiological habits, including caffeine (nailed that one a while ago) and sugar/sweeteners (the current dragon). 

I am hoping that while the path to health isn't my flavor of fun, the destination and long term journey is a rewarding one. I want to feel good - and I'm already tasting that. I am sleeping better and more solidly, which I measure with my fitbit.  More sublimely, I also feel the ease with which I have been awakening these last several days. My energy dynamic has shifted in unforeseen ways ... Where I was a night owl, I have more morning energy and I am more tired at night. This helps me fall asleep, contributing to a virtuous cycle. Perhaps my circadian rhythms are adjusting, I don't really know. Maybe I've just caught up to the fact that I have 3 kids and kids naturally get up with the sun. Maybe they're onto something. Maybe they go to bed at 8pm too. My next blog entry should be, "Things I can learn from my Preschooler". 

Lustig's War with Sugar

I'm super fascinated to see what emerges from Lustig's work (http://blogs.kqed.org/bayareabites/2014/08/06/sweet-revenge-dr-robert-lustig-explains-how-to-cut-sugar-lose-weight-and-turn-the-tables-on-processed-foods/). Our country is getting sicker by the year and as a whole, doesn't realize how much of it is coming from the food we eat and feed our children. I'm no biologist or doctor, but if everything I've been reading lately is true (I suspect it is), both the medical and layperson community have a lot of changes to make. 

In a highly controlled, scientific experiment on a sample size of one (lol), I cut out added sugar and processed food from my diet 18 days ago to see what would happen. (A) I've started feeling much better on many dimensions and certainly am sleeping better with fewer aches and pains, and (B) this is a real pain in the ass to do!  It's very time consuming to spend time preparing whole foods ... Even though I love to cook. It's expensive too, in trying to avoid the pesticides, hormones, etc.

So what's our hope for a country that's obsessed with convenient, low cost food and who is convinced that fat is the enemy and that sugar's benign?  

Barely Alive

I did it!  Signed up for the tacky light run (http://www.sportsbackers.org/events/tacky-light-run/) at 3pm and started the run at 6pm. Dear Husband dropped me off, then went to meetup with friends whose house was en route.

It was entertaining enough to stave off the boredom normally inflicting me while running, with lights galore ... Not just on the houses lining the route but on the runners as well. 

Bummer of a tree placement ...

This one was voted "most likely to blow a fuse". Given our own electrical challenges at The Gingerbread House, I certainly empathize. 

I returned to the Frozen House (Best themed display) and Elsa's magic staircase to "party" afterwards (I use quotie fingers because I wasn't drinking and most folks were gone shortly after the run ended, though we stayed), which is across the street from good friends of ours. 

Our friends had quite the display including the beloved Christmas Pig, Beaver, and Flamingo. How many of these were present at the birth of baby Jesus?  One of each of course, duh. 

I have a date lined up to be my running buddy next year ... This time I'll be sure to pack gloves and something to cover my ears.  While the run itself was fine, the walk back to the Frozen House for mighty chilly mighty fast. At least it wasn't raining as I heard it did last year. 

Slept super solidly - until kids A & B decided to climb in bed at 6:45. I'm dragging tail today, but hoping for a super early bedtime for all of us. Glad I did it - never expected to be in a race in 2014 - and glad the next one is a year away :)

ALIVE

After a brisk walk to nowhere in desolate post-apocalyptic Chicago (Which sounds much more interesting than an hour on the treadmill reading Divergent), I went to the indoor pool. The hot tub was too hot, and the main pool beckoned.

As I stood at the deep end, I looked down the 12 foot depth with new perspective. Swimming and water is terrifying to many - we see this on Amazing Race all the time. (Why people apply to do that or Survivor while *not* being able to swim is beyond me.)  I feel so grateful for my years of swim lessons and swim team where calm, deep water holds no threat. If there were jellyfish, it would be a different story, though it's the stinging fish I avoid, not the water itself!  I digress. 

I curled my toes around the edge of the pool, bent my knees, and flew across the surface into a respectable dive. My arms stretched long, my kicks were strong, and my breathing was even. I felt so alive!!

I'm getting healthier and stronger with each day of clean eating and exercise. This is day 14 of my crazy experiment, and I'm strongly considering running the 6k Tacky Lights Run tonight while dear husband and our friends are partying. Stranger yet, it actually sounds like fun. Who is this stranger in my skin??

No cheese, Gromit. Not a bit in the house.

I do miss cheese. I'm not quite sure I'd internalized quite how ubiquitous it is - not a salad on the menu at Firebirds today was without cheese of one variety or another. As I think about what I wish I could nibble on, it's certainly not the sandwich slices or even the melty deliciousness of mozzarella. Instead, I am daydreaming about a sophisticated cheese plate, with sides of fresh fruit and scintillating girlfriend conversation. Wine optional, though a deep rich Bordeaux could only enhance the situation.

Forgoing cheese for a while is worth it. As I was changing in the locker room at the Y this week, a group of young ladies from the swim team were also there. Their fit bodies were reminders of what I'm aiming for. Although I am 3x their age, and have no delusions of reachieving the body of a 14 yr old, I am optimistic that I have a better me inside ready to come out.  Taming the raging sugar dragon is step one. 

Speaking of sugar and the Y, my new friend Jill sent me an article this morning. It referenced an interesting and credible online resource Sugarscience.org. I've just started browsing it but hope to find more inspiration within. 

My own little swimmers are done with their lesson, so time to head out :)

10 days in - feeling gooood!

Not sure whether it was going to bed 2 hr earlier than usual or just good feelings in general but I woke up whistling and feeling good. How unusual!  

I almost got up to go running when I awoke the first time at 5:46 but not knowing where my long running pants were, decided to go back to sleep rather to wake the husband in the process of finding them. How very very unusual to even contemplate getting up early, let alone for running purposes!  I guess health begets health. 

The forbidden scale says I'm down 3.6 or so since starting 10 days ago, yegads. I'm aiming for 1.4 more before the 31st, which will fulfill my goal of 12 pounds in 12 months - this year's New Years resolution. Hoping to finish strong and propel into 2015!

I don't want to wait to feel better

Several folks have asked me why I decided to start my whole30 in the middle of the holidays. There certainly are temptations galore, with the plethora of holiday parties, special elaborate dinners and treats in the office. Husband and I are planning a cruise in mid-January as well, certainly known for buffets and unending food and tasty beverages.  His suggestion was to wait until we got past all of this so I could enjoy myself and make the most of it all. A very wise and reasonable idea for sure.

The decision to start my Whole1 the Sunday after Thanksgiving (Nov 30) was the culmination of a few factors.  First, I've been researching this stuff for 6 months or so, so it wasn't completely unthought-out. I knew what I was heading into, more or less. Secondly, I'd neglected to bring fun reading material with me to the mountain, so I had nothing but my phone and National Geographic to read. This led me to do a lot of research (including a NG cover story on sugar) and planning, getting me psyched up for it. Finally, I JUST DECIDED. 

I've been told that when a body JUST DECIDES to do something, the likelihood of success skyrockets. You can't half decide or maybe decide, but I decided to give it a go for one while day (blending deciding with the micro goals concept). Up to this point, whenever I'd tried to go a day without all the restricted foods, I'd lost steam by mid afternoon. I hadn't made the commitment to myself, so nothing changed. 

The catalyst for making this wholehearted decision is that I woke up feeling stiff and achy after eating a large slice of cheesecake the night before. Whether the cheesecake was or was not the actual culprit didn't really matter. What mattered is that I didn't want to wait 6-8 more weeks to start feeling better. So I decided. 

Strange Connections

I've started listening to TED talks (TED.com) on my work commute. It took me a whole to sort out how not to eat my entire data plan in a week, but now that I've figured out Podcasts, everything is copacetic.

Given my recent fascination with health, talks on this topic have caught my interest, and I found myself listening to a talk by ePatient Dave, né Dave deBronkart. His short story is that he beat late stage kidney cancer by taking research into his own hands and finding specialists and experimental treatments online, and now he's an avid patient advocate encouraging others to partner with their healthcare providers to find solutions, as all too often that is not the case.  

While kidney cancer is not my particular concern, I realized I "know" Dave. He lived on my college dorm floor, MIT's East Campus' "THiRD EAst," better known to its residents past and current as the third east traveling animal zoo, or Tetazoo for short.  Although I've never met him (he graduated a month after I was born), he's an active contributor on the Tetazoo Yahoo! board that I read from time to time. The name was the same, and certainly the humor and attitude I heard coming through my car's speakers were the same. I looked him up, sent an email inquiring, and almost immediately he replied confirming my suspicions. 

The funny thing I have to smack my forehead about is that in all my reading of the boards, I was picturing a young 20 something person writing his words. I knew he was older than me (though wasn't exactly sure how old at the time), but his playful nerdy nature came through his commentary and banter. In his TED talk, he showed a picture of himself in true young 70s style, and it is pretty much what I had been personifying him as, rather than the trim, silver haired figure on the stage. 

The lesson here is around youthfulness and how we're only as old as we feel we are. I feel kind of old in body right now, which is part of why I'm undertaking this whole WholeThing - to feel physically young(er) again. When I asked Jill at the YMCA how she felt, she said she felt she could jump over the building. I don't feel that way (28 yr younger), but I sure want to!  That's part of why I'm trying this crazy thing.  When the body feels old, the mind often follows. I'm ready to push that as far into the future as I can. 

Donuts Donuts Everywhere

Oy vey.

As a reward and celebration of my team's collecting provisions for 42 underprivileged families to have a full Thanksgiving dinner, we brought in Mrs Yoder's Donut Truck (https://m.facebook.com/mrsyoderskitchen?refsrc=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fmrsyoderskitchen) for homemade fresh donuts. I've never had a Mrs Yoder donut because the lines are too long when I see her at the Farmer's market, but she's quite legendary here in the river city. Have I mentioned how much I love and dream of donuts?  Favorite sweet, hands down. 

I did well this morning. Deleted the calendar invite from my 9am slot and forgot about it. In the middle of our team all hands though, eleven extra boxes were brought in. Managed to avoid them for the two hours we were in that room. The leftovers were then brought to the big communal room several of us sit in. Donuts are literally following me around today. The sweet smell is painfully surrounding me each time I return to my desk. To quote Homer Simpson, "Mmmmmmm... Donuts."

I'm finding it much harder this afternoon to ignore them than this morning. I'm gnashing my teeth on the broccoli, carrots, tomatoes, and sugar snap peas I brought with me from home. Not quite hitting the spot. 

This brings to mind something I've read a few times about willpower. It's not something you are or are not born with - it's more like a muscle that both fatigues and can be built. It's easier to be strong early in the day, but after exercising willpower all day, gets harder and harder with each passing hour. Ugh. 

On the flip side, I'm wearing a skirt today that didn't fit last week. Wheee!!

Whole 2 1/2

Made it through day 2 and half of day 3. No major cravings, and only a minor headache last night, though that could be due to a number if ither factors like my chest cold, going to bed too late, or not eating enough (unintentionally). I'm a little fog brained but again all of that could be attributable to the aforementioned factors.

Two eating notes:

1. Ate a turkey burger slider with two small portobello mushroom caps as "buns" ... Uh YUM!!  Slippery and messy but utterly delicious. Used the free Northwoods Penzeys spice sample to season the turkey. It was wonderful. Should have made two. 

2. This morning I had not one but two cups of black decaf coffee and it didn't suck at all. Didn't see that coming. While not really a habitual coffee drinker, I listened to a Podcast this morning on the science of comfort and it talked about warm beverages putting one into a more benevolent mood. Figured it was worth a try. 

I do keep reminding myself of four key points. 

1. This isn't hard. Fighting cancer and losing loved ones are hard. Not eating bread or drinking milk isn't hard. 

2.  If I don't drink that milk or eat that bread today, my life will go on and tomorrow I'll have forgotten about it. I've realized that eating happens only in the present. Looking back on today from tomorrow, it won't make a squadoosh of difference (mentally) what I ate today. It's gone from memory. The flavors and tastes and sensations are forgotten in the past. However the physical effects linger for better or for worse. 

3.  I can stop whenever I want. No need to panic about the rest of my life or food (sweets) I haven't eaten. If I change my mind, I can bake and eat a cheesecake anytime I like. It comes with consequences felt immediately only by me, but nobody and nothing is stopping me but me. 

4.  Keep it to micro goals that can be achieved easily and painlessly. Rich signed us up and paid for a cruise in January. While I'd love to look and feel great heading into that, I also need to focus on this one day, hour, moment. Big goals overlaid by tiny micro goals. That will get me where I need to be. 

As Melissaism says, one day, one hour, one minute at a time. One by one, it all gets done. 

Whole24hrs

After waking up yesterday morning full of generic aches and pains, and having spent much of Saturday reading up on the Whole30 thing online, I decided to give it a try. One day at a time - totally not the way it's supposed to be tackled, but I guess that's my style to go and mess with a recipe the first time I make it.

Yesterday wasn't terribly well planned out. A baked sweet potato for breakfast, bunch of baby carrots and two more sweet potatoes for lunch (Thanksgiving remnants), and an applesauce pouch in the car on the ride home from Wintergreen, not having planned well at all. Stopped at Krogers on the way home, picked up salmon and a ton of vegetables, and dinner last night was a delicious perfectly cooked fish with thyme, and broiled squash, onions, and peppers. Yum. 

Went to bed by 11 and woke up feeling fairly rested and less achy than 24 hr prior. Whether coincidence and random occurrence or placebo effect or real, definitely an improvement. I did NOT eat a large slice of Costco cheesecake before bed - was that the difference?  Or just random variation?  

According to the timeline, I've just made it through the "Day 1: So What's the Big Deal" experience. Yup, check. Now we're heading into the "Days 2-3: The Hangover" phase. Ohhhh lordy.  Fortunately I don't have to go through caffeine withdrawal (tackled that a while ago) or other Diet Coke type withdrawal things, but the sugar withdrawal train is a-coming. Per the timeline:

Many Whole30ers report headaches, fatigue, and general malaise during this part of the program. This, my friends, is completely normal. Your body is working its way through a whole host of junk it stored from the foods (or food-like-products) you used to eat. This process lasts a day for some folks, but for others it can take a few days longer. Relax, drink a lot of water, and keep making good choices. - See more at: http://whole30.com/2013/01/whole30-timeline/#sthash.cktxHBqF.dpuf

I won't worry yet about the next part because for now, I'm just focusing on my Whole2 :)

Micro-goals and one day at a time my loves. 

OK OK OK! Universe, I am Listening to you!

Maybe it's just me, but does the Universe sometimes conspire to talk to you?

Yet another sign came to me this morning in the form of Jill and Doug Quick, two 70-going on 50 year olds I met today while working my Thanksgiving half-day at the YMCA.  Why the YMCA? Well because frankly I didn't want to waste time commuting to the office and back to sit all by myself while everyone else was "working from home," and I can't WFH with three precious little faces plastered to my office door windows asking why I can't come out to play.  So I was at the YMCA actually being very productive in a quiet little sitting area, when the next thing I knew, I was surrounded by half a dozen senior citizens, socializing over coffee while I tapped away on my laptop. They completely ignored me, which is perfectly fine with introverted little me trying to get some work done (and succeeding). 

As I'm wrapping up my to-dos for the day, I can't help but eavesdrop and try to keep a straight face while the two ladies sitting across the table from me compare notes on the young men they were watching in the pool this morning and their Speedos.  Apparently they were right and the men inside were good looking. Hard.to.keep.straight.face!!!!  The old men were egging the ladies on, it was a riot. 

One lady bid her farewells and happy Thanksgiving to the other, leaving me with just Jill sitting across from me. I half close my laptop and remark to her that I hope I'm as awesome as they are when I'm a little older. I cannot remember the segue into the next part of the conversation, but we get to talking about food, exercise, and general health, and we end up in an in-depth discussion about sugar, gluten, turmeric, and a host of food related topics. Meanwhile, Doug has come to join us and he jumps right into the discussion. It's striking, their uncanny physical resemblance to my grandparents (20 yr their senior, but regardless...) both physically and in they way they engage a perfect stranger in conversation. When I mention an article I read in July on Sugar, in perfect harmony, they both say "Poison!"  Yikes. Jill's been fighting weight and sugar since two gestational diabetes pregnancies 50 yr ago, and Doug's been clean since he retired in 2007 and decided he wanted to outlast his peers and didn't need several packs a day or to hit the bars every night. He just decided. 40 pounds later he looks and feels great. Jill days she had boundless energy and feels like she can leap over this building. Wow. Even though it's only a two story building, I don't feel that way... 

So back to the signs... I feel the universe keeps whistling a repetitive thread. 

• March:  Brie's food allergies start emerging. I start reading labels routinely. Wonder to myself, "what in earth at these things, and what am I putting in to my children's bodies, let alone my own?"

• April:  Request and receive a Fitbit for my birthday. Realize I need to get more/better sleep. Start setting a daly alarm to start getting ready for bed. Seems to do some good. Start tracking weight daily. Notice that regardless how much I have, wine *always* translates to an increase on the scale the bit morning. Without fail. 100%. Doesn't drop down the following day. Damn. 

• July:  read an article on the flight from Grampo's funeral in MIT Tech Review, discussing how specific organs respond to sugar exactly the same as they do alcohol. Sugar is addictive.

• August:  find a whole foods recipe group on Facebook, engage with the community. While it isn't my interest to go vegan, I learn a lot about healthy eating and coping techniques for a world where healthy eating isn't the norm. 

• August:  Hear about Whole30, probably from the Whole Foods FB group. Look up the website, sounds intriguing  I can't figure out what's wrong with beans and legumes (aren't they supposed to be super healthy??), but I guess it's about eliminating all things that typically screw with digestion, then deliberately reintroducing them in a controlled isolation to observe their effect on my own body. It's a personal science experiment. Ask my FB friends if anyone's done it - one person says she has and shares her experiences. Helps me understand this isn't a life diet, but rather an isolation one to figure out what works for me. Makes sense. 

• September:  reconnect with a dear friend who's trying to reclam her health and her fabulous figure.  We meet up for a girls day at the gym and share health thoughts on the treadmill. 

• October:  Fabulous friend loans me the book Thinner This Year.  Hate the title but start reading the book cover to cover. It totally hits a symphony of chords, motivating me to start getting active. Move or Die. 

• November:  Sit working in the cafeteria at work looking for a change of scenery. Spend a while IMing with a guy who's trying to get started on a project within the program I run. Take a break, hit the restroom, pick up a piece of cake on my way back to my seat (company's 20th anniversary celebration), reconvene my work. Next thing I know, the guy is standing right there and wants to talk face to face instead if IM since he happened to see me. I offer him the cake and he declines, saying it will send him off the deep end (sugar-wise) because he's coming off of a Whole 30.  We talk for nearly an hour, and he cannot say enough about how GOOD he feels... As does his wife who was doing it right there with him. Boundless energy, sleeping well, feeling amazing, and oh by the way, lighter on the scale. Told me the hard parts, but has no regrets. 

• November:  Mention to Rich that I'm thinking about trying this Whole30 for a month, and that he certainly isn't expected to, but that I'll need his support and that I won't likely be able to make two totally different meals every night.  He can eat what I do or fend for himself. He's surprisingly open to it. 

• November (today):  Meet Jill and Doug, yet another sign. Jill offers to give me her sugar books, since she's long past needing them. They ask to see me again, perhaps we can meet up at the YMCA another time. 

I think there have been more, but these are the ones that come to mind as I blog from the stationary bike at the YMCA. Do I wait to get past the temptations of the holidays (and our cruise planned for January), or do I not wait another second to get closer to feeling and looking amazing?  This is what I think about now. How important is food to me, psychologically, that I would postpone this new me to enjoy specific dining experiences?  Do I go piece by piece?  Make it easier later?  I'm pretty much off caffeine - can I cut out dairy then grains then sugar?  Or does that just prolong the pain?  I'm not sure yet. 

What I have figured out loud and clear is that I need to do something different to change my life. 

Autumn Meditations

This autumn has been a particularly breathtaking one for the foliage. I didn't make note of when the fall colors started emerging, but I'm thinking it's been a good 3-4 weeks already, with new electric reds starting to show up as other trees start losing their leaves in earnest. I can't recall a prettier autumn. 

Each morning as I drive up 288N on my way to work, it hits me again. After remarking to myself how lovely it all is, I remind myself that it's fleeting and soon enough will be just a memory, which itself will fade over time. As yet another reminder to live in and cherish the present moment, I take a moment to simply breathe, look, and enjoy.

I remind myself to do that when I'm with the three of you too. You'll be little for such an achingly short time, and soon enough you won't demand or even want my help getting dressed or holding your small hands as we come down the stairs. Infinite hugs and kisses as I leave the house in the morning, or your requested "hundred million" more at bedtime will fade away until you won't want your friends to see me as you get dropped off at school or sports. So for now I remind myself - breathe, smile, and rejoice in your unconditional love for me. This moment will be a memory in a blink of an eye. 

Daddy asks me often if I'm unhappy because my face at rest has a natural frown. Believe me, I've never been happier. I'll try to remind my face to show it more often. I love you and him more than anything on earth. Never forget it, even when you're "too old for a hundred million hugs and kisses."  I'm never too old. 

Love, Mommy

Inner Cheerleader

I've admittedly been struggling this summer.  At work I was asked to take on a new role in a new area of strategic importance to the company. I believe it was an honor, and a testament to the reputation I've been forging for myself over the past 2.5 years I've been here. It wasn't something I wanted though. Whether partially because of that fact or not, I've been struggling.

The fact that I'm struggling at something brand new to me is no shock at all. My life history shows a pattern of struggle in my first 4-6 months of doing anything new. It was true in college, true in grad school, true at my new companies and new roles within them, whenever they entailed significant change and needing to learn new areas or behaviors or skills. I am the kind of person who likes to go figure things out in private so I can emerge on the public stage looking adept and knowledgeable. I don't like struggling publically. It's extremely uncomfortable to me. My goal was to get this 4-6 month breaking in period down to 2-3. I missed that self-imposed deadline two weeks ago. 

What baffles me is why I am struggling. It's not that I've been asked to do anything hard or beyond my capabilities. I can put plans together and assemble PowerPoint decks. No problem. 

Perhaps it is because I don't think the role I've been asked to play will really make a difference, given its relative position amongst all the moving pieces that this initiative is. Perhaps I don't like writing down plans that I fully believe will be 75% unrealized. Perhaps it's because the things we're being asked to do now can't be done yet (technically speaking) and I'm struggling to convince my superiors otherwise. Maybe it's just all very intangible at the moment, and I really like doing work where I can see the fruits of my own labor. Maybe it's the individual contributor nature of the role and I miss having a team to lead - or I'm afraid that my own contributions aren't enough. Enough what - I don't know - I paused when I typed that - but perhaps the ephemeral, ever present "not enough."  

I definitely have Insecure Ivy chattering away in my head. I need to find a way to quiet her. Who's she?  One of the voices that lives in my head. No, I'm not schizophrenic but we all have them. You know - when you say "part of me thinks this, but another part of me says that...?"  Those are them. Let's start naming and recognizing the girls for who they are. Theoretically if we make sure they all get heard, then it will be clearer to me how to move forward in any given situation. We'll see.

So anyway, I'm struggling and I'm still not sure why. I need to get past it and get back to being the Rock Star I am. That's one comfort zone I'd always like to be in. 

Perhaps the one to help me get back there (and the way I "go back" is by moving forward of course) is my recently quiet Cheerleader Charlie. She must have been on vacation lately (or perhaps was abducted in a sordid scandal) but I welcome her back with open arms. I need Charlie here by my side at all times. She helps me operate at my best. Then again maybe she was here all summer after all, simply whispering as she desperately vyed for my attention. 

Charlie, I've missed you. I'm listening now. Ivy - ssshhh. It's Charlie's turn to talk. We take turns in this family. It's what we do.