Playing the Blame Game

No, Life Is Not Fair. Get Over It.

With the exception of TSA Steve, I’ve had a few frustrating travel experiences lately. With an unusual ferocity of summer thunderstorms lately, my flight from JFK to IAD came within 20 minutes of landing, then was turned around to go all the way back to JFK, presumably to get more gas. Upon arrival, we were told the flight was canceled, and all passengers were booked on the next flight or the next day. I, as luck would have it, was rebooked on the 6am flight the next day.

I was so frustrated!! I wanted to get mad at someone, to have someone apologize and take responsibility for my inconvenience, and to make it all right again. The problem is, there isn’t anyone to blame, and no amount of compensation could give me my lost time back! Nobody controls the weather (and if you have faith in God, it’s usually not such a great idea to blame Him either, eh?). All of the other surrounding airports were filled with planes diverted ahead of us. The gas tank is only so big, and nobody can magically make a commercial flight refill in the air. Putting everything in perspective, the last time my flight turned around in the air and went back to its origin was September when I was starting a 24 hr journey home from the Philippines. That time, an unfortunate soul had a heart attack downstairs in our 747, and needed urgent medical attention. He didn’t make it – hard to really lay blame on him either, under those circumstances. The New York flight paled by comparison.

So what to do? It was a challenge to keep my peace and harmony on the inside, but somehow I managed. There was nothing I could do about the flight, so being pretty determined to sleep in my own bed that night, I took the AirTrain to the Subway to Penn Station and bought a ticket on the next train to Union Station. From there, I took the Metro to the end of the Orange line, had my dearest one pick me up at the station, drive me 30 miles to my car at the airport, and I drove home from there. Planes, trains, and automobiles, oh my! On the upside, I also got to read two terrific books, one that I brought with me, and one that I picked up in Penn Station. I don’t get to read for fun often, so that was definitely a bonus.

It’s human nature to assign blame when we feel we’ve been wronged. We all seem to *need* someone to take the fall – to own up and pay for the transgression. As a society in America, I think it’s fair to say we like to sue one another somewhat freely. You see a lot of questionable lawsuits, and more often than not, outrageous settlements! Reality check: in many situations, THERE IS NO ONE TO BLAME. Shit happens (pardon my French), but rather than finding a way to get out of the bad situation quickly, most of us prefer wallowing in it while assigning blame instead, and in some cases, figuring out a way to profit from it. It’s much healthier to assess the existing situation, decide what the desired outcome is (meaning, “I want to get home tonight,” or “I’m going to find a hotel and go see a Broadway show,” …not “I want the airlines to pay me lots of money for my inconvenience that they had nothing to do with, since they can’t control the weather either,”) and put all your energies toward getting there as smoothly as possible.

Secondly, as imperfect humans we are uncomfortable being wrong, and if something isn’t going well in our lives, or if we didn’t do something as well as we’d like to, we need to find a reason to explain it away. If I work too much, it’s because the company made me do it [I chose not to look for another job or talk to my boss about getting help]. If I am overweight, it’s because the fast food companies do too good a job at marketing [I chose not to make healthier food choices, or didn’t exercise enough]. If my lost my job, it’s because my boss hates me [I didn’t do a good job, or didn’t upgrade my skill set when it was lacking]. As a general statement, blame is weak – it’s a cop out! It’s harder to take accountability for your own destiny, but you sure do go farther in life!

Action Challenge: Take responsibility for everything that is within your sphere of control. Understand that a lot of things that happen aren’t anybody’s fault, and it just is what it is. Recognize that even if someone or something did do something “against” you, what’s done is done, and it’s now a fact. How you respond, and what you do next remains in YOUR hands. Blaming the catalyst only holds you back – focus not on attributing blame to something that happened in the past, but shaping how your future is going to adapt to it.

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"It is what it is!" - Jason Cherry (repeatedly!!!)

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

Managing Your Head Fakes

‘Experience’ is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted

If you haven’t yet taken the time to watch Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture: Achieving Your Childhood Dreams, stop reading, open a new browser, and watch it on YouTube. … Then come back here.

One of the remarks he makes is that “Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.” Surely you’ve heard or said to another, “I didn’t enjoy xyz, but it was a good experience.” There’s a lot of truth to this - you ARE getting valuable experience in everything new you do (whether you enjoy it or not), and a collection of experiences good, bad, and ugly can take you much farther than just a collection of good experiences alone.

At the beginning of this millennium, I held a job for about three years that was chock full of, “No, I don’t like my job, but I’m learning a lot and it’s a great experience” moments. One day it finally dawned on me, the world has infinite possibilities of great (and lousy) experiences, but I have finite time on this earth. Yes I’m learning a lot, but is this the experience I want to invest my time into? The obvious answer was no, since even the good experiences weren’t appealing to me. I realized I needed to spend my time and energy on areas I care more passionately about. Ultimately I did find a new role and company, and five years later, I can say it was the absolute right move for me. I also can say that the experience I gained in the prior job has served me extremely well.

Experience is what it is, and you’re the only one who can decide if that which you’re accumulating is good or bad for you. Remember to focus your energy on YOUR big rocks – not someone else’s sand or pebbles.

Action Challenges: Value and appreciate all of the experiences you are collecting, but make sure that the lessons you are learning are the ones you want to learn.

1) Follow YOUR passions, and go get good and bad experiences THERE. If you dream of being a massage therapist, getting your accounting degree may not be the best use of your time. Yes – accounting is a great skill to know, and you WILL LEARN A LOT in the process. However, it doesn’t get you closer to your massage license, and unless that’s how you’re planning to pay the bills while you are getting your spa off the ground (i.e., a means to an end), it’s a waste of your time. If you hate numbers, it may be downright painful. Go to your happy massage place; I guarantee you, there will be *plenty* of bad experiences to get under your belt there too!!

2) As you accumulate “bad” experience along the way, make sure you’re learning something different from each one. There’s good to be found in each and every one, and remember that variety is key. Getting hit by the same stick over and over again, not only is one bad experience, but it’s the same bad experience over and over!! You can only learn so much from the same experience!!

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"I’m a big fan of ‘if what you’re doing hurts, stop doing it!’"

- Althea Martelino

If you’d like to know how Randy’s doing, he is tracking his final journey here.

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

How’s Your Tude?

I’m Excellent! … but trying to get better :o)

Steve is the TSA inspector who greeted me in the Seattle-Tacoma airport, one fine Sunday morning in April as I was starting my journey home from my grandparents’ house. He is probably in his late 40s, with a grey mustache and a warm smile that crinkles his eyes. His job is fairly unappreciated – on this morning, he was comparing IDs to boarding passes at the A-N-S gates, helping shuttle travelers quickly through the security procedures. When it came my turn, I gave him my usual cheerful, “Hi! How are you?” … my goal is to be friendly and polite, but not over the top enough to trigger extended body cavity searches, etc. Rather than the normal, bored, sighed “fine” that I usually receive in response, Steve replied, “I’m Excellent!” He paused, then continued, “but I’m trying to get better.” He handed me my documents back, and wished me a great day.

As I moved forward to the metal detectors, his words registered with me, and I got a grin on my face, as it occurred to me what he’d said. I turned back to say something, but he was already engaged with another traveler, so I took a note of his name and general appearance, then moved on my way. His words have stuck with me over the last two months, and I must confess, I’ve stolen and recycled his response with glee! It tends to generate the same response I had … a few moments after you say it, the thought registers, and people start to chuckle. Nothing wrong with that! Think about his attitude though!!

First of all, I like to think that “how are you” generally is a greeting – not an inquiry about one’s health. Other than your closest friends and family, most people really don’t want to hear about your aches and pains, or how tired you are, or how pissed off you are at the guy who cut you off, or whatever. Sometimes your friends and family don’t even want to hear it. Generally they’re expecting, “Fine, and you?” and that’s the extent of it. However, when someone does say something other than “Fine…” face it – nine times out of ten, they’re going to tell you something negative. What a surprise when Steve said he was excellent! That’s the spirit!

Secondly, I *LOVE* the concept of being in a great place – and trying to get better!!! The spirit of continuous improvement is a wonderful thing, and that for Steve, being “Excellent” was only a starting point! Now, there is a point where you can go too far, if you’re obsessed with perfection. As Millie Betts often says, “Perfectionism is the highest form of self-abuse.” I’m not advocating that, or that you should be dissatisfied when you are in a good place. I’m simply suggesting to keep pushing yourself to go just a little further, do a little better, try a little harder, and in this way continue growing with every opportunity.

Action Challenge: Think about what your attitude on life is. Do you focus on that which is good and can get even better? Or do you focus on the negatives? Take time to celebrate the things that are really going well for you, and find little (or big!!) ways to make them even MORE positive than they already are. It’s all about continuous improvement.

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"If you do things well, do them better. Be daring, be first, be different, be just."

- Anita Roddick

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

It's Not Cancer or AIDS

There are worse things that can happen...

I received a response to my "What's the Worst That Can Happen" blog last week that I wanted to share. Sravanthi is one of my mentees at work, and she wrote to me about her own experience. I share it with you here verbatim (with her permission).

Stephanie,

After reading your blog, I wanted to share this with you. I had similar feeling, but with my personal life. I wrote this a year ago when a friend asked me about a personal achievement that I learnt a lot from. Hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did!

My personal achievement that transformed me into a stronger individual

I attended the most prestigious institute in India, the Indian Institute of Technology (IIT), where less than one percent of applicants enroll. However, I have congenital scoliosis, and a few days after I joined IIT, I was strongly advised to be treated surgically for this disability. I was bedridden for two months. I felt that was the end of my glorious student life. I was in midst of very tough competition and strong academic demands, and lost time due to health problems. Psychologically and physically I was very drained and unmotivated. But I did not want to give up that easily; I believed that, victories worth having are those that come as a result of hard fighting. My goal was clear, to get back to the top. I was not an easy journey for me, to get back to the top one percent of my class after a couple of semesters of non-A grades. It was a long stressful journey to prove myself, but I did it. Ultimately, I got into Purdue University with full scholarship for my graduate studies.

Unfortunately, my struggle did not end there. I had another incident few years later after I started working; it was a morning just like any other day to go to work. I was getting ready and suddenly I could not move at all. I realized that I had sprained my back and it was not normal and found out that irregular wear and tear has damaged my lower spine. Since then, I was in ACUTE PAIN for weeks. I tried everything from medication to rest to physical therapy. Yet, nothing helped to relieve my pain. I loathed my life and my situation. There was no difference between a weekday and a weekend, I was alone and MISERABLE.

I remember calling my parents and just sobbing all the time. One fine day... my father mentioned, “Its not cancer or AIDS and you are alive, learn to deal with it”. That statement COMPLETELY changed my attitude and put things in perspective for me. The business of living is the celebration of living alive. I should be happy about the fact that I am alive and am not going to die.

From then, I took a vow that I will strive for a pain free day, no matter how long it might take. I read books on back pain, changed my lifestyle, started yoga and learnt pain control techniques. I learnt not to panic but to conquer. It took me five months before I could experience my first pain free day. BUT I DID IT.... Today I can proudly say that it was my attitude and determination that brought me out of my misery. I have a son who is my proudest achievement :). I narrate my story to people who complain about back pain, hoping that it will inspire them to take charge and change their lives as I did. Every pain free day is a gift to me and I treasure it. This incident taught me that attitude is very important in life. My determination coupled with my perseverant attitude changed my life dramatically.

[The above was the "what's the worst that could happen with back pain?" thought for me]

I realized that lack of awareness of health was the reason that I was prone to illness. I was determined to figure out a way to educate people (especially Indian women) and make a difference in their lives. It was at the same time I came across “Literacy Project in India (ILP)” DC chapter with a mission to educate Indians. I volunteered to design a project for women to create awareness about the importance of health. This project provided facilities for women to exercise and teach them about health problems such as back pain and steps to prevent them. It also created awareness of “scoliosis in kids". This education made them aware of potential problems and in turn helped them take care of their families. The sense of personal satisfaction for me is indescribable.

Sravanthi

Thank you SO much Sravanthi for sharing this with me! It IS an important reminder to remember that no matter how bad you have it, someone else has it worse off, and you should be thankful for the blessings in your own life. If anyone else has another personal experience on this vein, I'd love to hear your story too!

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet."

- Old Persian Proverb

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

Thanks for the Lesson!

“It's always the women who give up their seats”

I was traveling north on the 4 5 6 line of the New York subway Friday evening, when a pleasant looking, well dressed, 60ish Lady got on at the 33rd Street station. The seats were all taken, so she took hold of a railing near me. I glanced around, and upon determining no one else was getting up, I asked Lady if she'd like to sit. She nodded without smiling. I collected my bags and stood up, and she settled down without a word.

I started reflecting (to myself) that although I had given her my seat cheerfully and we'd made eye contact a few times, Lady didn't say thank you or even give me a friendly smile. Maybe this is just the New York culture I thought, and I was happy that my dear one and I had decided to stay in Northern Virginia instead of moving to NYC. Then my mind started going to a darker place, telling myself, "Say something to her, teach her a lesson in politeness!" I kept my opinions to myself though, deciding that wouldn't be very polite of ME. Regardless I was mildly annoyed not to have received a simple thank you, although really one shouldn't do nice things expecting anything in return.

Four stops later, Lady got up to leave, and she looked at me and said, "Thank you." For a brief moment, all was right and good in my world, until she continued speaking. She pointedly looked at the young man sitting next to her and said, "It's always the women who give up their seats, you would think men would be more courteous," then stepped off the train.

I was horrified! On a trivial note, I’d offered her my seat because she was elderly; neither of our genders had anything to do with it. More notably, her "thank you" to me was really her way of being snarky to the Dude next to me. It wasn't about thanking me at all! I wish she had just stopped there... or even left without saying a single word. However there is a more profound element to this whole affair. She did what I had been contemplating - said something catty to try to teach Dude a lesson - and it made HER look like an ass! It was pure self-indulgence on her part, and although it might have made her feel good about herself, it sure didn't make me glad I gave her my seat, and I doubt it will make any difference whatsoever to Dude. Oh my goodness, I am so glad I kept my own mouth shut!

I owe Lady my own heart-felt "thank you!" I say this in all honesty, without irony or snarkiness of my own. Thank you for demonstrating to me what not to do when you're annoyed by your fellow travelers. It was a lesson I'll remember, even if it wasn't meant for me. I can't believe how close I came to teaching someone else this same lesson myself.

Action Challenges: (1) Say thank you when someone does something kind or helpful for you, even if you feel it's your due as Lady might have. (2) Keep your "constructive feedback" to yourself if you haven't been asked for it, or if the person on the receiving end may not welcome it. Be aware that you may be the one looking more like the ass, and beyond that it just may not make any difference.

Cheers and all my best to you!
~ Brooxi

"You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat people who can do nothing for them."

-Unknown

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

Don't Be THAT Girl

"I failed my driver's permit by one question, but I cried my way out of it!"

Sitting in the airport this morning, I had an opportunity to enjoy the conversations of a group of Marin County high schoolers en route from San Francisco to Iceland, by way of Dulles and Kennedy airports. Amongst other things, the topic of driving came up, and one girl laughed as she announced, "I failed my driver's permit by one question, but I cried my way out of it!"

She received a combination of atta girls and ridicule from her peers, who gave her a hard time for not knowing what a red light vs. a green light meant, or the difference between the gas and the brake pedals! Apparently, the offending question was regarding the clearance to give an ambulance, and the kids made a point of hoping aloud they weren't in that ambulance if she was on the road. All of this teasing heartened me, because in their way, they were saying, "Girlfriend, NOT COOL!"

The fact that she failed her California driving test didn't bother me; I myself failed one of those, embarrassingly enough at the age of 23, after having driven for 7 years!!! The problem is that rather than brush up on the rules of the road, she used tears to get a pass and skate by.

This is such a *weak* approach. While solving her immediate issue of getting a passing mark, it didn't actually address the knowledge issue, AND it reinforced to her that crying will let her fake her way through life. Reality is that yes, sometimes tears and other shummina shummina will get you by in this world. It's not reliable though, and if the tears (or whining, or cajoling, or sweet talking) fail, you're left without any ammo and no plan B. Better to be prepared, know your stuff, work within the guidelines (this isn't to say don't break *any* rules!), and don't rely on ploys to get you through. At some point, someone's going to see through you, and your reputation and credibility will be at risk. Worse yet, you may put yourself or someone else in physical harm's way if you don't actually know the rules of the road or whatever else it is that you are faking.

Action Challenge: When you find yourself in a difficult situation and/or on the spot, notice how quickly your mind starts making excuses or looking for the easiest way out. Once you've identified the easiest way out (it is hard to stop your mind from going down that path, so go ahead and let it go), *before* acting on it, stop and assess what is the RIGHT way to rectify the situation. Start by accepting and acknowledging responsibility for your actions without excuses, then go down the right path. It may or may not be the shortest, fastest path requiring the least amount of energy, but you'll be better for it, as will those around you who are affected by the situation. Ultimately, you'll find that this is the path of least resistance, as you go Gently Down The Stream.

Don't be THAT girl!!

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"Only you judge yourself on your intentions. Everyone else judges you on your actions."

- Unknown

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

What’s the Worst That Can Happen?

Is it gonna kill you?

In August 2000, I was four months into a new job that I was totally sucking at. It was a rotational position, with four months in each location, and the first one had been a debacle. Most of it was my fault; I went into it thinking I was hot stuff and that I knew everything there was to know. My Senior Manager at the time took it upon himself to straighten me out, and while I never got to the point of liking the guy, I certainly appreciate what he had to deal with [i.e., me!] and what he did in retrospect. As this first assignment wrapped up, I was selected to go to my next team’s location in advance, to make preparations so everyone hit the ground running. Normally this task goes to the superstars, but I think my Senior Manager just wanted to get rid of me!

I flew out to Boulder, CO on a Friday afternoon. We were heading in to audit their financial statements, and this Civil Engineer didn’t know her debits from her credits. My tasks were to: meet the business leaders, set up meetings for the first week the team was on site, arrange office space, find short term furnished apartments, and start collecting the necessary documentation. I was all by myself, trying to act like I knew what I was doing (at this point I realized I really was clueless). My plan was to go apartment hunting over the weekend, then take care of all the stuff in the office Monday through Wednesday.

Despite Boulder’s being one of the best spots on earth, I was MISERABLE. I had a massive headache from the moment I got on the plane, which lasted through the weekend. It was certainly a stress headache, since nothing at all was wrong with me, but I just couldn’t shake this feeling of doom and certain failure. Finally, Sunday as I sat alone at a sports bar waiting for my dinner to arrive, the thought came to me (ok, the voices in my head were talking to me again), “What’s the worst that can happen?”

Being a list-maker, I pulled a piece of paper and a pen out of my purse and started writing. Generally everything was along the lines of x would/wouldn’t happen, then the team or manager or clients would hate/be mad at me, and maybe I would be fired. Often the logic trains ended simply with someone hating me, or me looking dumb. Worst case was never beyond getting fired, and all things considered, it was just a job!! [and one I was busy hating anyway!!] Was getting fired really the worst thing? Well hot diggedy dog, I certainly could live with that! In fact, it might be a good outcome!

As it dawned on me that I wasn’t going to lose life, limb, or liberty, I physically felt the tension leave my shoulders, and my headache dissolved immediately. I walked back to the hotel after dinner, and started noticing what a beautiful town Boulder really is. I kicked myself for letting my unquantified fears ruin a perfectly good weekend in a lovely spot, and set about enjoying the rest of my time. Ever since then, I’ve returned to this question and mantra, as I’ve had to face uncertain times and challenges.

Scroll forward to today. Again, I find myself in a new role (only five weeks into it this time), and while I am a lot more confident in my abilities than I was eight years ago, I’m still going through the stress of learning a new role, a new boss, and a new business. My manager has an audacious challenge for me to achieve, and the only fundamental disagreement we have on the vision is the timeline in which it’s achievable, given the current culture and climate at my company. I was really fretting over this yesterday, and spent some time with my professional coach Connie Meyer talking through different approaches.

Finally as our scheduled hour was coming to a close, she asked me my own magic words, “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” We talked through the two extremes, and I realized that either outcome was actually a huge blessing! Either we’d get the full buy-in from the necessary executives that we need to launch this new program immediately (best outcome!)… or they’d all laugh us silly, and my manager would see for himself the cultural challenges I have tried to articulate to him, as a newcomer to the company. With this, we’d be able to revisit the timeline and do this project properly to both of our satisfaction. I realized that the stress I’ve put myself under again, came down to unquantified fears. Once more, I physically felt the tension leave my bones, as I saw my options unfold in front of me… and none of these options entailed any major losses!

Action Challenge: When you find yourself with a stressful, uncertain situation, take a few minutes to worst-case scenario the problem. Are there any outcomes you absolutely cannot live with or recover from? If so, guard against those with all your energy, proportionate to their likelihood to happen. If not, then relax, take several deep breaths, and go along for the ride. Try to influence the situation toward the most favorable outcome, but don’t get too torqued up over the others if you really can live with any of them.

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

The Secret to Living a Long Life

I asked the wise man on the mountain the secret of a long life.

Thus began the birthday card I gave my dearest one yesterday on his 36^th birthday (he finally caught up to his old woman!).

As my birthday gift to you, I’d like to pass along his infinite words of wisdom…

We all seek words of wisdom on living long [healthy] lives, hoping for something profound and meaningful yet easy to do… because who really has time to start eating right, exercising regularly, moderating alcohol, getting enough sleep, etc. etc. etc.? Most of us have asked friends who’ve begun healthier lives what their secret is… and groaned to ourselves when the inevitable answer is “exercised more and ate less!” Gosh that’s not easy or fun at all :o) Bearing this in mind, I was relieved to see the punch line:

Keep Breathing As Long As Possible!!!

Well that’s all at once obvious, funny, and great advice!! Both ancient philosophy and modern science meet on the importance of breath, in its ability to relax the body and purify the mind and blood. Traditional meditation techniques have you focus on your breathing, as you slow down and clear your mind of anything else. Whether you repeat a single word like “one” or “peace” or “watermelon” with each cycle, or choose a pairing [I like Matt Weinstein’s “Calming” on the inhale, and “Smiling” on the exhale, because I find that I actually do smile with each exhale!], the objective is to clear your mind of everything else while you breathe in…then breathe out.

In tonight’s Yoga class, Lorraine had us try a new breathing exercise: “Bee Breathing.” If you’d like to try this at home, breathe in through your nose until your lungs can’t hold any more. Hold it for a moment, then as you exhale slowly, make the soft, audible noise that a bee makes as you let the air go. It’s kind of funny, yet calming at the same time.

Action Challenge: Make it a point to carve out five (yes, 5) minutes of every day, just to breathe consciously, while doing nothing else. Close your eyes, get into a comfortable position, whether seated or lying down, turn off the radio or TV, and take deep deep breaths. Do it before you get out of bed in the morning, or in-between meetings while you’re at your desk at work, or as you’re trying to fall asleep at night. Five minutes is only one third of one percent of your day, surely you can make that time! You’ll find your stress levels start to go down, with this simple, non-painful, easy thing to do.

Now those are words of wisdom I can live with!

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

“To Breathe without stopping is the Way. To Love without ending is the Way. These are the two poles of Life: Breath and Love. They are the way to All.”

- Matt Lippa

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

Time, Precious Time

“And you are young, and life is long, and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find - ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run; you missed the starting gun!” - Pink Floyd, Time

At the end of last month, I wrote in Lorraine’s Parting Thought about spending your precious time with the people you care most about. Let’s take this thought one step further.

If we’re lucky, we have no idea how long we have on this earth. It’s only the very aged and terminally ill who are unfortunate enough to have such information. As children, we assume we’ll live forever, and even high school seems a million years away! Eventually we start remarking to one another how time really seems to fly by, and then it’s “Oh my goodness Dorothy, can you believe another school year is over, and our children will be freshmen in the fall… Glory be!” You’re chuckling – you know what I’m talking about!

Our time bank is a finite account, whose balance we don’t know, that is declining minute by minute, and that does not accept deposits. Sure, you can affect the balance by living a healthy life, driving carefully, and avoiding high risk situations. However once today’s gone, it’s gone. We need to be careful that we don’t procrastinate on the things we really want to do while we have our youth and our health, until it’s possibly too late to do them at all.

I hear a lot of people say, “I’d love to do XYZ, but I just don’t have the time!” Well, last I checked, every one of us has the same 24 hours of every day as the guy next door. It’s a function of how you *choose* to spend those hours. Let’s assume that we all get 8 hours of good sleep every night (yeah, right, but work with me here!), and we spend 10 hours commuting, working, and on lunch break during the work week. That leaves you 62 waking, well rested, non-work hours for you to spend. Certainly some of those hours will be spent bathing and eating – I do encourage both. You’ll probably need a few hours for obligations like paying bills and straightening up the house. However after that, take a hard look at how you spend your time. Track the number of hours you spend in front of the TV, computer, or video games. Do you go to extremes to keep your house spotless or your yard HGTV-worthy? Do you read or talk on the phone a lot? There’s nothing at all wrong with any of these activities – as long as they are *MORE* important to you than your bigger life goals. Remember – you have to fit your Big Rocks in before the pebbles, sand, and water, or the big rocks will never happen.

Action Challenge: Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? Do you have goals for yourself and for your life? It’s OK if you don’t yet know what your master plan is going to be, but surely there’s something you want to achieve, at least in the short term. Do you make progress toward these goals every day in ways large or small? If not, what are you waiting for? We’ll talk more about goal setting later, but today focus on making the best use of your precious time. Take a positive step toward that goal TODAY, whether it be researching how to do it online, talking to someone who’s already doing it, or if you already know what you have to do – do it! If you don’t get started today/this week/this month/this year, then you’ll finish a day/week/month/year later, if you ever get around to it at all. Let’s go - time’s a wasting!

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"Sitting on the dock of the bay watching the tide roll away. I'm just sitting on the dock of the bay, wasting time "

-Otis Redding, Sitting on the Dock of the Bay

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

Good Golly! What Will They Think??

I am a certified tree hugger

My peeps chuckle at my passion, but that's part of what makes me me. Three years ago, I donated $10 to the Arbor Day Foundation and planted the "flowering tree" twigs they sent me in pots along the side of my driveway. Two years ago, I drove into town to pick up free oak twigs on my lunch break. Last summer's drought wasn't kind to these poor twigs, but today I have three short, skinny redbud dogwoods, a Washington Hawthorne, a Rose of Sharon, one oak tree, and a stray maple tree still growing. As developers cut down the beautiful trees in Loudoun County in the name of progress, I feel obliged to grow new ones to take their place. My 0.03 acre townhouse property is going to be the most wooded lot in town!

Today we had tornadoes pass through the area. With the wind came a downpour. I was hoping that the driving rain would clean my dirty dirty car, but six months of Virginia clay can be exceptionally tenacious. Today's brilliant idea came to me as I was driving home in this lovely rain. Instead of pulling fully into my garage, I left the car halfway in the driveway, which is under the deck on the back of my house. I got a bucket of hot soapy water, scrubbed my trusty little Honda down while staying reasonably dry myself, and drove back out into the rain to give it a good rinse. Total water used for my car wash: less than a gallon (plus 1/50th of a gallon of gas to move the car)! I received an additional reward - as I drove around the block rinsing off my car, I spied a double rainbow smiling down over the neighborhood, interspersed with magnificent streaks of lightening. Maybe that was Nature's "thank you" to me for helping the trees and the water supply =) Even if it wasn't I'll choose to interpret it that way!

My dear one called me as I was parked on the side of the road trying to capture the rainbows, the lightening, and the car all in one shot (2 of 3 ain't bad!). As I explained what I was doing, he laughed with me, re-certified me as crazy, and rang off to go find something fun of his own to do in his fifth hour without power.

I don't mind when people think I'm silly, crazy, goofy, or a dork for doing things that matter to me or simply make me smile. My new next door neighbors moved in on Friday - they may already think I'm a little strange, reinforced by washing my car in the rain. The thing is, it's my life, I'm not hurting anybody, and it brings me joy! Nothing else really matters here, does it?

Action Challenge: Do something in the next week that makes you happy, and DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT "PEOPLE" WILL THINK. Life is too short to let *them* decide how you're going to live your life, and where you'll find joy. Are you still living under the same fear of peer pressure and peer opinion that you were under in High School? Do you not sing out loud because someone once made fun of your singing voice? Do you avoid the dance floor because you *know* someone's going to poke fun at you? tsk tsk - go be you, and let them be them. Chances are, someone's going to admire you instead - for living your life joyfully! As a corollary, don't be *that girl* who makes fun of others for living joyfully because you're too scared to do it yourself.

As for me - I'm just a girl saving the planet one twig and one car wash at a time.

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

“Dance for yourself, if someone understands - good!
If not, then no matter; go right on doing what you love.”
- Unknown

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

Pay it Forward

How can I ever pay you back for this?

Have you ever caught yourself telling someone that you feel bad because you've taken so much from them, and you don't feel like you've given back much in return? Or have you been on the receiving end of this comment?

This past April I flew to Seattle to visit my mom’s family. I hadn’t been out to visit Grama & Grampo in a few years, and the trip was long overdue. Grampo turns 86 this Thursday and he has led an extremely successful life so far, between his family, his friends, and his professional accomplishments. As I did the breakfast dishes one morning, Grampo remained sitting at the table, and he shared a thought that was troubling him. He said that he is very thankful for all of his life’s successes, but he doesn’t know to whom to direct his gratitude. This is bothering him a lot.

I suggested that he’s doing well in the grand karmatic scheme of things, since he’s been quite diligent at saying thank you along the way. More than that, he’s given back significantly in return, from the graduate students he’s mentored along the way at the University of Washington school of dentistry, to his patients at his own private practice, to the study clubs he chaired and participated in, and to his family, friends, and the community in which he’s lived for over 55 years. This alumni newsletter (skip to p. 28) highlights how one of his former students, Dr. James Oates, established a scholarship fund in Grampo’s honor, thanking him for influencing Dr. Oates’ success, and now helping others who will come after. Grampo’s been paying it forward for over 85 years already – as are others he has helped!

Life is tangled, and truly nobody is an island. Your successes in life so far are highly attributable to people who’ve helped you along your journey. Whether it be your parents who raised you (and maybe put you through college – thanks Mom & Dad!), or your closest friends who provided you counsel when you really needed it, or the manager at your first job who saw something special in you and took extra time to champion you … you did not get to where you are today alone. Be sure that you’re making a difference for someone else too!

Action Challenge: As you find new people along life’s journey who need and merit your help - give it freely without expecting immediate payback. Ask in return only that they help someone else coming up the ladder after them. Make it a part of your personal brand to help others – and in return ask only that they pay it forward.

None of us got where we are today all by ourselves - we are all a product of many other people's efforts. Be a part of someone else's success!

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

“You see, I do something real good for three people. And then when they ask how they can pay it back, I say they have to Pay It Forward. To three more people. Each. So nine people get helped. Then those people have to do twenty-seven. Then it sort of spreads out, see. To eighty-one. Then two hundred forty-three. Then seven hundred twenty-nine. Then two thousand, one hundred eighty-seven. See how big it gets?”

- Trevor McKinney, Pay It Forward

For more information on the Pay It Forward Foundation and how you can be a part of the Pay It Forward movement free of charge, click Here.

© Stephanie Brooks 2008