“It's always the women who give up their seats”
I was traveling north on the 4 5 6 line of the New York subway Friday evening, when a pleasant looking, well dressed, 60ish Lady got on at the 33rd Street station. The seats were all taken, so she took hold of a railing near me. I glanced around, and upon determining no one else was getting up, I asked Lady if she'd like to sit. She nodded without smiling. I collected my bags and stood up, and she settled down without a word.
I started reflecting (to myself) that although I had given her my seat cheerfully and we'd made eye contact a few times, Lady didn't say thank you or even give me a friendly smile. Maybe this is just the
Four stops later, Lady got up to leave, and she looked at me and said, "Thank you." For a brief moment, all was right and good in my world, until she continued speaking. She pointedly looked at the young man sitting next to her and said, "It's always the women who give up their seats, you would think men would be more courteous," then stepped off the train.
I was horrified! On a trivial note, I’d offered her my seat because she was elderly; neither of our genders had anything to do with it. More notably, her "thank you" to me was really her way of being snarky to the Dude next to me. It wasn't about thanking me at all! I wish she had just stopped there... or even left without saying a single word. However there is a more profound element to this whole affair. She did what I had been contemplating - said something catty to try to teach Dude a lesson - and it made HER look like an ass! It was pure self-indulgence on her part, and although it might have made her feel good about herself, it sure didn't make me glad I gave her my seat, and I doubt it will make any difference whatsoever to Dude. Oh my goodness, I am so glad I kept my own mouth shut!
I owe Lady my own heart-felt "thank you!" I say this in all honesty, without irony or snarkiness of my own. Thank you for demonstrating to me what not to do when you're annoyed by your fellow travelers. It was a lesson I'll remember, even if it wasn't meant for me. I can't believe how close I came to teaching someone else this same lesson myself.
Action Challenges: (1) Say thank you when someone does something kind or helpful for you, even if you feel it's your due as Lady might have. (2) Keep your "constructive feedback" to yourself if you haven't been asked for it, or if the person on the receiving end may not welcome it. Be aware that you may be the one looking more like the ass, and beyond that it just may not make any difference.
Cheers and all my best to you!
~ Brooxi
"You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat people who can do nothing for them."
-Unknown
© Stephanie Brooks 2008
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