Away But Not Forgotten

After a two month hiatus I'm back!

A lot has happened, and this won't be my normal blog format, but I just wanted to say hello again! Two items of note:

1) We have a new blog title ... upon reflection of what this blog is, I realized the thoughts and musings I'm writing are the lessons I want to be teaching my children. You are welcome to read these letters! For those who know me, yes I realize I don't have any children. For those who now are wondering, NO I'm NOT pregnant! However, when I've been asked to describe what my blog is about, it's really all about the kinds of things I'd like my children to learn ... not just in Kindergarten, but throughout their life. Maybe down the line they'll read this and know it was made for them, even before they existed. Thus the new title. Angie and Bernie are, shall we say, working titles? ha ha ha ha ha!

2) I'm engaged to be married (so soon I too shall have a new title)! The love of my life got down on one knee on the beach in Atlantic City under the 4am stars last month, and how could I help but accept his proposal?! We're very happy, and I'm now deep in the midst of wedding planning - my goodness there are a million details! In any case, now that I am back online, the blog entries will still be a little sporadic over the next few months, since I'm a teeny tiny bit distracted with other things. I'll try not to let it go another two months :o)

With that - the only action challenge I'll throw out today is to give your loved ones a hug, a kiss, or a long-distance shout-out ... because they are what life is all about.

Cheers and all my best to you!
~ Brooxi

Now Where Did I Put That Silver Lining?

One day at a time ... one hour at a time ... one minute at a time... one by one it all gets done. - Joe's OP-1 Highway

Sometimes life deals you a blow that you don't like, you don't understand, and you just can't change. After the storming and the crying and the throwing-of-things are done, at some point you just have to pick up the pieces and move on. It's not easy, and there are seldom any shortcuts other than time's passage itself. It can be hard to stay positive. It can be hard to stay engaged. It can be tough to focus on anything at all, let alone the minutia of daily work and living. Sometimes it's hard to remember why you were so recently happy and seemingly carefree, especially when life came at you fast *and* unexpectedly. Nationwide's recent string of TV ads illustrates this beautifully. It's hard to laugh when you go in expecting to witness a miracle and find a tragedy instead.

Life does go on, and the best antidotes to the blues I've found (beyond the aforementioned blessing of time itself) are true friends and humor, preferably combined together. Laughter is contagious and healing. Looking for the silver lining in the cruddiest of situations can be both helpful and humorous, especially if you need to stretch the boundaries of realism to find even one (which of course is when you would need it the most). Sometimes when you can't see even a hint of a silver lining through the grey clouds, that's when you need your friends to point it out; they can usually find at least one and polish it bright and shiny for you. I want to thank every one of my friends near and far for helping me through life's clouds of all sizes.

Lying in bed late at night though, when the friends and humor are still, and when the silence and darkness are overwhelming, I find it best just to focus on getting through the next minute or two. When I can accomplish that, I focus on the current hour, then the one after that (all the while hoping to fall into the arms of Morpheus). It makes it easier to get through the day, one moment at a time. Life does go on, regardless of our own dramas and traumas, and sooner or later the clouds pass on and the sun comes back out to warm our faces again. If you're in your own blah, hang in there and make it through the next moment or two. Sometimes just surviving is enough.

All my best to you :o)
~Brooxi

"After all, tomorrow is another day."

- Scarlett O'Hara

c Stephanie Brooks 2008

Dogs Don't Stress Over Sabre Tooth Tigers

IF

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,

Then, my Brother, you are as good as your dog."

This poem, origin unknown to me, pretty much says it all [even for us cat people!]. It’s not often that we will allow ourselves to be humbled by the zen of a dog, but each time I reconnect with this piece, I remind myself to take a step back and focus on that which is really important in life. I have a dog of my own – granted Harley is trapped in a cat’s body – but he pretty much exemplifies the lines above. I should follow his example.

Compared to our ancestors thousands of years ago, we are living lives that our bodies weren’t designed for. Whereas the fight or flight mechanism protected us from saber tooth tigers and wildebeest stampedes back in the day, we were able to turn it off while relaxing in our cozy caves by the fire ring. In today’s world, we never really turn off the stress, which gets compounded by information overload on the TV, Internet, and Newspapers daily. As Melissaism has observed, around this area, going to Starbucks is a Type A experience. You’ve barely lifted your tush from your chair before someone else is sitting in it behind you, squawking on their cell phone with their grande soy two yellow extra hot caramel no whip decaf macchiato in hand. Jeesh! Our fight or flight response is never deactivated.

In 1975, Dr. Herbert Benson of the Harvard Medical School published a revolutionary book, The Relaxation Response. He was one of the first to link stress to disease, and although his research methods were criticized by the medical community, the book jumped to the top of the NY Times best seller list within a matter of weeks. He makes extremely compelling cases for the linkages, which have since been backed up with significant study, and now it’s fairly universally accepted that stress causes ulcers, high blood pressure, and other nasty afflictions that lead to quadruple bypass surgeries and premature death. It’s also fairly well documented that stress related diseases are more prevalent in higher-paced, “developed” societies.

Action Challenge: Stop and smell the roses. Identify one destructive force in your life (internal or external), and see if you can wean yourself off of it. Personally, I gave up caffeine about a month ago; this is something I’ve been doing on and off for ten years now, and I hope to keep it up longer this time. I find I sleep deeper and longer (discounting the alarm clock of course), and falling asleep is easier. This is just one small flaw of mine – I definitely have room to improve on almost all of the other dog-like qualities above. How about you?

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

“I’m trying to become the person my dog thinks I am.”

- Doyle Brunson

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

Anonymity is a Cop-out

If you can’t say something constructive, don’t say anything at all

In 1998, I had the opportunity to attend a two week GE leadership training course in Atlanta, GA. The instructor was a professor from Indiana University, Ivor K. Davies, who taught us a wide range of subjects from resume creation to the psychology of furniture (yes, seriously!).

One of the golden nuggets I took away from Prof. Davies is the concept of signing your feedback. We’re often given opportunities to provide feedback, and generally putting your name to it is optional. When something’s wrong, boy isn’t it *great* to be able to give someone a piece of your mind, and be able to smile and walk away as if nothing’s wrong, knowing you secretly let ‘em have it? They’ll surely get the message, but won’t hate you for it. Win win, right?

Wellllllllll…… let’s turn the tables for a minute. If you royally screw up, and someone writes anonymous, pointed nasty feedback, how inspired are you to take it to heart and do something differently? Do you immediately get defensive? Do you perhaps downplay the mean comments, deciding it’s just from a bitter person who hates his own life?

Giving thoughtful feedback takes courage, especially if your feedback isn’t all sunshine and roses. Prof. Davies’ point was that if you can’t sign your own feedback, you probably shouldn’t be giving it in its current form. You should take the extra time to ensure your feedback is constructive, and touches both strengths and weaknesses of whatever the subject matter is. Most people are more worried about hurting or offending others with their feedback than afraid of negative repercussions. This being the case, overlaying your feedback with kindness and honesty goes a long way. Because most of us don’t like to encourage others to hate us, by signing our name to our feedback, we naturally self-govern our commentary.

I coordinated a two day class at work this week, and at the end of day 2 we handed out feedback request forms. I’m so delighted that 14 of 15 people put their name on the papers, and I’m thrilled to have the suggestions of what we can do better next time. They weren’t all easy recommendations, but they were honest, and I know who to ask for more detail and suggestions as needed. That was a true gift to me.

Action Challenge: Before sending off your feedback, re-read what you wrote. Were you fair in your comments? Was your feedback fact based or opinion based? If you were absolutely fair and factual, it should be easy to sign it. If the feedback was opinion based, did you state it as an opinion (“I felt uncomfortable when you confronted Joe that way”) or as inflammatory “fact”? (“You suck!”) Did you provide concrete examples and recommendations on how to improve the situation or just complain about the status quo? People are much more likely to act on feedback that is clear, factual, and solution-based than vague, inflammatory hate mail. Write your feedback with the kindness you’d show to your grandmother, and the firm honesty you’d receive from an esteemed teacher. Make sure you make all of your points, eliminating unnecessary insults, sarcastic humor, and flaming. Lastly, whether providing your name is optional or not – have the courage to sign it, date it, and print your name if your signature resembles chicken scratch.

If John Hancock was willing to sign his name extra large on the US Declaration of Independence so King George could see it with his failing eyesight, you certainly can sign your feedback too. There’s probably a lot less at stake, compared with colonial revolution!

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"Courage doesn’t necessarily mean the absence of fear."

-Doyle Brunson

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

Who's Your Guru's Guru?

No man is capable of self-improvement if he sees no other model but himself.

-- Conrado I. Generoso

Mentoring is one of my favorite activities. I have five people I’m actively mentoring at work right now, which is particularly rewarding especially as I no longer have a team of my own to coach and guide as part of my normal day job. Sravanthi and I went to lunch this week, and it was terrific having her walk me through a presentation she was particularly proud of creating. It was the output of the kind of project that she’s been anxious to do more of, and this was her first major opportunity to fly solo while her manager was on vacation. She did an excellent job and was on cloud nine! It was great - while I carefully listened to her updates of all the exciting things going on in her professional life, I also observed her a little bit from afar at the same time. Her eyes were *sparkling*, and her grin went from ear to ear. She’s buried in work right now and the company is navigating through choppy waters (as usual), but as a general observation, she’s so happy! For me, seeing someone succeed, particularly when I had even a teeny tiny part of it, is extremely gratifying. She and I have had many conversations over the years, with healthy doses of feedback, encouragement, tough-love, honesty, and laughter. It’s my way of paying others back, by paying it forward.

Last week, I took a risk and reached out to one of my company’s most senior executives (yikes!) to ask him if he’d take ME under his wing. I carefully selected someone that I respect tremendously, not just for his intelligence and leadership, but also for his energy, passion, and charisma. On top of that, he leads the organization that I hope to join in a year or so, as I progress from this assignment onto the next stepping stone of my chosen career path. I believe he can help me grow and succeed in my current role, while also guiding me toward setting myself up for the next one. I took a chance, laid out all of this in an email, took a deep breath, and sent it into the ether.

It took me a long time to write that email, not because I had any uncertainty regarding my request, but because I tried hard to articulate the win-win situation. I know without a doubt what’s in it for me, but how does one articulate to a senior leader what’s in it for him to spend his time mentoring someone several links down the food chain? On a grand scheme, all well run organizations expect their leaders at each level to grow and develop the staff junior to them. However, I felt awkward making the case that he should help me out because it was good for the company. He already knows that, and pragmatically, I don’t report into his organization. I felt self-conscious no matter what I wrote about why he might want to help me because either it sounded arrogant or pretentious or heaven knows what. Mentoring others motivates me, but you can’t automatically assume it does that for everyone. Finally in exchange for his mentoring I simply offered my candor on whatever topics he is interested in, commitment to work on developing that which we’ll discuss, and anything else I can do to be of assistance to him in the future. I’m hoping that part of that will be in a future role working for him, where I can kick some butt and be an asset to him and his team!

He wrote back less than an hour later, simply: “Love to! [His assistant] will set up!” I was OVERJOYED and I had a smile on my face all weekend. We’re getting together for lunch on Monday, and I can’t wait! It was worth taking the chance to ask.

Action Challenges:

Find a Mentor: Identify someone who’s doing that which you want to do. Approach them, and ask if they’re willing to take you on as a mentor. Be sure to carry your end of the burden – the mentee usually gets the better end of the deal – be prepared with an agenda for what you want to get out of your mentoring relationship. Bring questions you need help answering, and be honest in assessing where you currently stand. At the same time, when your mentor gives you advice, be sure to follow-through on his or her recommendations, and keep them informed as to how well it’s working! As a mentor, it’s extremely rewarding to know you’re making a difference!

Be a Mentor: If you see someone struggling to take the path you’re already well on your way down, reach back and lend them a helping hand. Ask them if they’d like some mentoring along they way (some folks are too shy to ask!), being careful not to assume it’s automatically welcome! Nobody likes an unsolicited know-it-all, and unsolicited feedback’s always dangerous. If someone screws up their courage enough to approach YOU and ask you to mentor them – give it a shot. If you find you aren’t enjoying it or don’t have the time, you can always help them find someone else more appropriate, but at least reward their courage with a session or two. It will make you both feel good!

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"Always be eager to learn, no matter how successful you might already be. In the Millionaires’ Club, we sometimes invite a billionaire to come talk to us. He says, ‘You’re doing okay, but come on. How about if you really poured it on!’"

- Jim Rohn

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

Don’t Believe Everything You Think

“At some point, I’d like to eat every part of a pig”

As I was tidying up my office today, I was flipping through and retiring old notebooks, some over five years and five business models ago. I came across a quotation of note from my old buddy Benji, who in the summer of 2004 had remarked, “At some point I’d like to eat every part of a pig!”

It made me laugh as much today as it did on the day he said it (thus why I wrote it down), and it prompted me to drop a quick note to some of the old team just to say hi and share my giggle. Benji IM’ed me shortly thereafter, with the wise observations… “Amazin’ quote … genius. Don’t know if I still hold to that belief!” I chuckled and suggested to him, “Don’t believe everything you think… someday down the line you may find you disagree with your younger self!” ha ha ha ha ha!

It’s so true, isn’t it? Today, each of us is pretty sure that whatever we believe is true (otherwise, by definition - we wouldn't believe it!), even those of us who know that we don’t *know* everything. We know our beliefs though, and gosh-darn-it, THEY ARE VALID (insert some adamant podium thumping here!)!!

OK, slow down Nelly. Besides the fact that it’s logically IMPOSSIBLE for us ALL to be right about EVERYTHING (especially when any two people will have at least one fundamental thing they disagree on between them), our beliefs are fluid, changing and evolving with each day that passes. We find a new perspective, or gain a little wisdom, or perhaps have cold-hard-reality thrust in our faces against our will. Over time, we grow as individuals, and our beliefs adjust along the way. The funny thing is that the longer time goes on, as I told Benji, the greater the chances that we now are disagreeing with our younger selves. Project this forward – in another 20 years or so – you’ll be disagreeing with the YOU of today! Hmm – maybe some of your beliefs today may not stand the test of your own time and perspective, let alone everyone else’s. Goodness – now we’re not only disagreeing with everyone else in the world, we’re disagreeing with ourselves too! What is this world coming to?

Action Challenge: Next time you’re adamantly on your soap box about something, give pause. Be open minded to hearing out the beliefs of others and to challenging your own. Remember that others believe as strongly in theirs as you do in yours, and who is to say who is right and who is wrong? Examine your beliefs from time to time, and truly evaluate whether they are your beliefs from today, or just unexamined leftovers from a younger you. It’s perfectly fine to come right back to where you started; in fact you may find this self-examination reinforces those beliefs stronger than they started. It’s equally fine to throw out an obsolete belief that is no longer part of you, even if you once defended it to the bitter end. It’s all about your own growth and evolution… which will happen with our without your consent. Go with the flow and don’t take yourself too seriously along the way!

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

The man who views the world at fifty, the same as he did at twenty, has wasted thirty years of his life.

-Muhammed Ali

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

Livin’ the Dream!

No dream is too big … or too small!

I was sitting in Carolina Brother’s BBQ restaurant this evening, noshing on a pulled pork sandwich, dressed in my painters clothes, and generally looking like a mess, when all the sudden it hit me: I AM LIVING MY DREAM. Holy Cow. Let me scroll back six years for context.

In the spring of 2002, I was auditing GE Mortgage Insurance (GEMI) in Raleigh, NC as an associate auditor of GE’s Corporate Audit Staff (CAS). CAS was an incredible program – 2+ years of corporate boot camp, designed to make us all incredible leaders for GE’s future, where every year you did CAS brought you at least two years worth of hard core business experience. We had exposure to the highest leadership in each business unit we audited, and both the risks and rewards were high. What they didn’t clarify in the recruiting process was that the reason you got at least two years of experience for every calendar year is that you simply crammed 90-110 hours into every week – and gave up pretty much every other element of “normal life” in the process, ha ha ha!

One beautiful evening in April, 2002, I recall going out to one of the balconies at GEMI, right around 5:30. The cherry blossoms were crazy-gorgeous, the temperature was perfect, the setting sun was putting a magical glow on everything, and the parking lot was slowly emptying out, as employees headed home to dinner, their families, and whatever else they had planned for the evening. I WAS SO JEALOUS. Me - I had more work to look forward to, and maybe a sandwich from Panera, before I headed back to my sterile corporate apartment somewhere around midnight, to catch some sleep before getting up and repeating groundhog day again. I surely was feeling sorry for myself, thinking how amazing it would be to have a family and a home to return to, at a decent hour, with time in the evening to do non-work related activities. When would it be my turn??

Fast forward to today. I left the office around 5:30 to return to my own home. My cats both greeted me at the door, when they heard the Honda coming into the garage. I put on my painters clothes to give the trim around my door a second coat of fresh paint, chatted with my new next-door neighbor, then went out to Carolina Brothers for a quick meal, which completely hit the spot. I’m dating the boy I’ve dreamed of dating for 20 years, and we’re very happy. Now I’m writing my little blog entry, and later I’m going to putz around some more upstairs, perhaps catching a little TV before bed. This may not be your dream – but it’s mine, and I’m living it. I feel so blessed not just to be here … but to recognize it in the moment. Wow.

Action Challenge: Pause now and again to do a quick dream self-assessment. First of all, do you remember what your dreams were, or better yet, what they are today? Secondly, are YOU living the dream today? If so, take a moment to luxuriate in it and give thanks for all that is good in your life! If not, are there one or two things you can do today to start working toward fulfilling one or two of these precious dreams? They don’t have to be big or daunting … your dream may be as mundane as sleeping in your own bed on a daily basis :o) It doesn’t matter – it’s YOUR dream – go live it!

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"If you can dream it, you can do it. Always remember that this whole thing was started with a dream and a mouse."

- Walt Disney

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

Famous Last Words

“Be Prepared!” - Boy Scouts Motto

In the interest of getting in shape, I bought myself a new Trek bike for my birthday in April. It’s a lovely road bike, and I believe it weighs probably less than 20% of my old bike. Ah, modern technology! I enjoy biking, and although it’s beastly hot this time of year, yesterday I decided to go for one last ride, before taking it in for its first true tune-up. Unfortunately the tire pressure was low, and not having a good pump at home, I brought it into Spokes for air. I let the Spokesperson know I’d have it back before they closed at 8:00 so they could do the tune-up today, and that I’d be getting a pump when I picked up the bike, so he didn’t have to keep filling the tires for me. Ah, famous last words!

My plan was to go about 6 miles out, then turn back so I could get back to the shop before they closed. From where I started, it turns out that the 6 mile mark was exactly on top of a bridge, with a lovely view of highway and lots of trees. As I was taking the last gentle hill up to this bridge, I heard a pop and a hiss, and looked around for where someone was shooting leftover fireworks. Of course as my bike started to ride funny, I realized I was that someone, and the firework was indeed my rear tire blowing out. Dagnabbit!! Well this was a new experience – I’d never blown out a tire before – but of course not all new experiences are created equal, and this wasn’t exactly on my list of experiences to experience before I die … oh well. Grrrr….

I got off the bike and turned towards home. 6 miles is only 10K – I figured I could probably walk it (with bike in tow) in about an hour and a half if I was brisk … hopefully back to the car before dark. UGH. This definitely wasn’t in the plan, and I was certain not to make it to the shop. I was so annoyed!!

Enter Jeff with the Yellow Shirt. 0.6 miles back down the trail, Jeff with the Yellow Shirt slowed down and asked if I needed help repairing my tire. I accepted his offer immediately, thanking him profusely and silently giving thanks for friendly, helpful strangers. We pulled over to a little grassy area, and I told him I had a new inner tube, but no pump. I explained to him how it was a new bike, and that literally I’d told the guy at the shop an hour before that I’d be purchasing a pump tomorrow. He chuckled, and we sat on the grass as he showed me how to change the tire. He did all of the work, but he talked me through each step, so I could do it myself next time. When it came time to inflate it, he pulled out this slick little CO2 cartridge, explaining that it’s very fast, light, and portable, but the more expensive option than your normal pump. Voila – in no time, the tire was inflated and back on the bike. I carry some cash with me on my bike, and I asked if I could pay him, to replace his CO2 cartridge. He said, “Naah, just help someone else out in the future.” My face must have brightened up as I told him I’m a huge fan of paying it forward, and that I certainly would do so. I thanked him again, then Jeff with the Yellow Shirt and I went our opposite ways.

I didn’t make it to the store before closing last night, but I’m going to try again tonight – to take a ride without losing a tire – and to make it to the store in time. Tomorrow – yes tomorrow – I’ll buy a new replacement tube, and two CO2 canisters … one to fix my own next blow-out, and one to help someone else. Thanks Jeff!

Action Challenges: 1) Be Prepared!! 2) Pay it Forward. For more detail, reference my earlier blog on this topic.

Cheers and all my best to you!

~Brooxi

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

Buddha Belly Beware!

First to Ourselves, then to Others Around Us

After Wednesday’s bad day, I came home, got into my gym clothes, wrote and published my blog entry, and hauled my lazy butt a mile up the street to the sports complex for my Wednesday yoga class with Lorraine. I was all set to cancel out on it, but decided when better to take a calming, centering, relaxing hour to myself than after a cruddy day? Besides, I was already dressed, so I was practically there. [Note to self and anyone else who’s reading this: if you’re debating whether or not to do your work out, change immediately into gym clothes. You’re a billion times more likely (as proven by scientific studies world wide) to actually exercise once you’re dressed.]

I had a lovely yoga practice; I got my favorite spot that overlooks the pool, at the front left side of the room, where I can see Lorraine and not be totally surrounded by pretzel people. We did a lot of down facing dogs, which are definitely my favorite, and a lot of breathing and balancing exercises. I’ve concluded that my ankles are my weakest link – I can get into almost any pose and stay there forever, as long as I have two points of contact with the earth. Once I’m down to just one ankle, I’m in TROUBLE. Anyway, what prompted me to write this time was Lorraine’s additional parting thought, beyond her normal parting thought. She was sending us on our way with her zen blessing encouraging, “Opening our hearts up – first to ourselves, then to others around us.”

Think about this idea – opening up our hearts to ourselves first. By no means is this encouraging self-centeredness or any less care for others. Rather it encourages us to be loving, kind, and forgiving OF ourselves TO ourselves. We’re usually our toughest critic, and many of us don’t like the person and/or the life we inhabit. Once we can really love the person each of us is, then we can look beyond ourselves to open our hearts and lives to others. It’s OK to look out for Number 1, especially when this opens up your capacity to care more deeply for others around you.

Action Challenges: 1) Put your gym clothes on before you can talk yourself out of exercising. 2) Identify something you’ve been beating yourself up over… then curb back the self-abuse. You can still work on improving whatever it is – but don’t let it eat you up inside. A personal example of mine is my weight … I jokingly criticize my “Buddha belly” … but beneath the jokes the criticism inside is real (and I’m sure a good psychologist could have a field day, with observed parental behaviors, yadda yadda yadda). I’m trying hard to let the criticism go – to forgive myself for LOVING to eat the gourmet foods I LOVE to cook and to accept my aversion to exercise. At the same time I’m trying hard to eat just a little bit less, and to ride my bike or take my yoga class anyway [reference today’s action challenge #1!!!]. The big difference is accepting my flawed Buddha belly, loving myself for it anyway, and working toward continuous improvement. What’s your self-abuse, and how can you cut yourself a break?

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."

- Lucille Ball

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

Random Affirmations

I’ve had a really bad day.

It was one of those days that was so frustrating, that I don’t even want to talk about it and hear myself whine any more. Don’t get me wrong, nobody died or got fired or kicked me in the kneecaps… it was just an annoying day where politics interfered with getting real work done, and the lunacy of it all just tipped over my sane, pragmatic, roll with the punches sort of equilibrium.

There were some really bright spots that kept me from going postal. I reached out to my old hood (via IM – this is the new millennium of course!), and without asking (too hard) for it, got some dearly needed affirmations throughout the day, right at the right time. Shel booked me for lunch tomorrow, asking for my ear and advice. Benji praised my leadership, and said he’d been spoiled working together. Shane told me I’m a force of nature. Lori promised an invite for me and my dearest one to enjoy her husband’s WORLD FAMOUS (no kidding!) rib sauce. Cass thanked me for giving her kitty affection while her family’s away. Joyce offered to collaborate on my big new project. Melissaism listened to me whine and commiserated with my challenges, while giving me the old rock star atta-girl! (OK, this one was prompted!) Marlin dropped me a line complimenting my writing. Lastly, my boss suggested that the two of us over a beer could have come up with better recommendations than the hot-shot boutique we paid a gazillion dollars to, which is currently the bane of my existence … *sigh* Gosh, I needed that … All better now!!

I appreciate SO MUCH all of the little things people in my life say and do for me. For the most part, few of them knew I was having a rough day, but their words and actions really brightened up an otherwise yucky day. Thank you thank you thank you!!! It prompted me to drop a few thank you’s of my own, starting with my former boss, who has influenced me and my success tremendously. His team is blessed to have him.

Action Challenge: Take the time RIGHT NOW to let someone in your life know how much they mean to you, or how special they are, for whatever reason. There’s no time like the present, and who knows – it may be just what they need to hear at this very moment. A little love goes a long way.

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"Few things in the world are more powerful than a positive push - a smile. A word of optimism and hope, a 'you can do it!' when things are tough."

- Richard De Vos

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

The Cowardly Lion Had It Within Him The Whole Time

Courage is Running Toward the Threat

I had the opportunity to participate in a year-long leadership class last year, and in our very last session, a new facilitator DeeDee joined us. She had fascinating stories about teaching leadership in all sorts of environments, and one that heavily resonated with me was how a native Hawai’ian group (if I recall correctly!!) taught leadership and courage.

For this particular warrior tribe, addressing a threat (let’s imagine this threat to be another warrior coming at you with a spear) was trained in three phases. The first step is to be light on your feet, able to pivot to avoid the spear that’s hurling through the air in your direction. The second step is to catch the spear in-flight, as it’s coming your way – to stop its advance. Lastly, the third step is to head into the threat, making your best defense be a powerful offense. It’s not animal instinct to head toward whatever predator has its sights on us, but when you can turn the hunter into the hunted, proverbially speaking of course, you are in a much more powerful position.

Before meeting DeeDee, I had assimilated a thought of my own in this similar vein. For me, I think of it as “steering into the wind.” By nature, I’m fairly conflict averse, so given the opportunity, I naturally will avoid picking fights. On the surface, this makes it sound like I’m a terrific member of society! However, the problem is that if there is an issue, avoiding addressing it or pretending it doesn’t exist doesn’t actually solve anything. In some cases it may make matters worse, and at the least it simply prolongs the agony of whatever the issue is. Believe me – I’ve stayed in dead relationships for upwards of a year more than once, just to avoid THE CONVERSATION (you know the one!). The problem of course is that eventually the breakups still happened, but I’d wasted all that time that I could have been out meeting other people, or at the very least not worrying myself and annoying my best friends by being miserable!

I’ve learned since then that it’s better to have it out with whomever and on whatever topic sooner rather than later. It gives all involved parties better peace of mind, and lets us each move forward (you know I hate wasting life time!), rather than swirling in unhappiness or oblivion.

Action Challenge: When you have a challenge, problem, or issue that’s nagging at you, and you don’t think it’s going to solve itself, bring the problem out into the light and just do it!

Assuming it’s an issue with someone else, prepare for the conversation by trying to see their side, so you know where they’re coming from and can speak to it intelligently. If it’s complex, jot down your concerns, and how you think they might be able to be resolved. If it’s simple (like, say, “hey I want to date other people”), you may not need to take this extra step of preparing. In either case, get some time with the person or people who can help solve your problem (or who are your problem), take a deep breath, and just start talking. Never ever expect them to read your mind and act according to your wishes, if you’re not willing to let them know what they are!!! You’ll find that the conversation may suck, but at least you’re having it today instead of 8 months down the line, and you’ll breathe much easier tomorrow.

If on the other hand, your challenge is solely within yourself – perhaps you want to start a new career, but are afraid to try or overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the endeavor, you just need to take the first step. The second and third and subsequent steps will be that much easier. If you don’t know how to approach it, ask a friend to help you brainstorm first action steps and take it from there.

Be brave, be strong, and steer into the wind. If you choose to sail only the way the wind is going, you’ll never make it to your chosen destination port!

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"All our dreams can come true - if we have the courage to pursue them."

- Walt Disney

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

Good News Indeed!

I’ll Live By My Standards … You Live By Yours

I received a very happy email last week from one of my favorite ex-boyfriends. After nine years (to the day) of dating his cool chick, they finally became engaged! Being a girl, of course I asked him for the gory details of the proposal, and what he wrote back not only was classically him, but a terrific reminder of how to live your life.

He wrote as a preface, “We'd always said we wouldn't get married as long as 10% of our friends were legally barred from doing so. So when the CA supreme court legalized gay marriage it kind of opened the door.” Think about this – how amazing is it to feel passionate about an issue, and to live your life accordingly! Some would argue, “What’s the point? Just because you’re protesting by not getting married yourself, it’s not going to change a thing with the law.” However, it’s up to each of us to stand up for what we believe, and by living our lives as an example of whatever ideal we are pursuing, we DO influence others around us. We saw powerful examples during the American civil rights movement, with peaceful civil disobedience. The sum of individuals living their lives according to their own sense of what is right has brought us further than any formalized initiative possibly could have.

Action Challenge: Know what you believe in. Once you've figured that out, follow your heart and live your life as the example you’d want to set, while doing no harm to others. Don’t be afraid to stray from the herd, if the herd isn’t going where you want to be. It’s that simple!

To every individual person who’s ever bucked the trend, in order to live their life according to their own sense of what is right, I salute you. Cumulatively, we’re one reason America is as strong as it is today. Happy Independence Day! … and congratulations again to the happy couple :o)

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"I became convinced that non-cooperation with evil is as much a moral obligation as is cooperation with good."

- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

Playing the Blame Game

No, Life Is Not Fair. Get Over It.

With the exception of TSA Steve, I’ve had a few frustrating travel experiences lately. With an unusual ferocity of summer thunderstorms lately, my flight from JFK to IAD came within 20 minutes of landing, then was turned around to go all the way back to JFK, presumably to get more gas. Upon arrival, we were told the flight was canceled, and all passengers were booked on the next flight or the next day. I, as luck would have it, was rebooked on the 6am flight the next day.

I was so frustrated!! I wanted to get mad at someone, to have someone apologize and take responsibility for my inconvenience, and to make it all right again. The problem is, there isn’t anyone to blame, and no amount of compensation could give me my lost time back! Nobody controls the weather (and if you have faith in God, it’s usually not such a great idea to blame Him either, eh?). All of the other surrounding airports were filled with planes diverted ahead of us. The gas tank is only so big, and nobody can magically make a commercial flight refill in the air. Putting everything in perspective, the last time my flight turned around in the air and went back to its origin was September when I was starting a 24 hr journey home from the Philippines. That time, an unfortunate soul had a heart attack downstairs in our 747, and needed urgent medical attention. He didn’t make it – hard to really lay blame on him either, under those circumstances. The New York flight paled by comparison.

So what to do? It was a challenge to keep my peace and harmony on the inside, but somehow I managed. There was nothing I could do about the flight, so being pretty determined to sleep in my own bed that night, I took the AirTrain to the Subway to Penn Station and bought a ticket on the next train to Union Station. From there, I took the Metro to the end of the Orange line, had my dearest one pick me up at the station, drive me 30 miles to my car at the airport, and I drove home from there. Planes, trains, and automobiles, oh my! On the upside, I also got to read two terrific books, one that I brought with me, and one that I picked up in Penn Station. I don’t get to read for fun often, so that was definitely a bonus.

It’s human nature to assign blame when we feel we’ve been wronged. We all seem to *need* someone to take the fall – to own up and pay for the transgression. As a society in America, I think it’s fair to say we like to sue one another somewhat freely. You see a lot of questionable lawsuits, and more often than not, outrageous settlements! Reality check: in many situations, THERE IS NO ONE TO BLAME. Shit happens (pardon my French), but rather than finding a way to get out of the bad situation quickly, most of us prefer wallowing in it while assigning blame instead, and in some cases, figuring out a way to profit from it. It’s much healthier to assess the existing situation, decide what the desired outcome is (meaning, “I want to get home tonight,” or “I’m going to find a hotel and go see a Broadway show,” …not “I want the airlines to pay me lots of money for my inconvenience that they had nothing to do with, since they can’t control the weather either,”) and put all your energies toward getting there as smoothly as possible.

Secondly, as imperfect humans we are uncomfortable being wrong, and if something isn’t going well in our lives, or if we didn’t do something as well as we’d like to, we need to find a reason to explain it away. If I work too much, it’s because the company made me do it [I chose not to look for another job or talk to my boss about getting help]. If I am overweight, it’s because the fast food companies do too good a job at marketing [I chose not to make healthier food choices, or didn’t exercise enough]. If my lost my job, it’s because my boss hates me [I didn’t do a good job, or didn’t upgrade my skill set when it was lacking]. As a general statement, blame is weak – it’s a cop out! It’s harder to take accountability for your own destiny, but you sure do go farther in life!

Action Challenge: Take responsibility for everything that is within your sphere of control. Understand that a lot of things that happen aren’t anybody’s fault, and it just is what it is. Recognize that even if someone or something did do something “against” you, what’s done is done, and it’s now a fact. How you respond, and what you do next remains in YOUR hands. Blaming the catalyst only holds you back – focus not on attributing blame to something that happened in the past, but shaping how your future is going to adapt to it.

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"It is what it is!" - Jason Cherry (repeatedly!!!)

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

Managing Your Head Fakes

‘Experience’ is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted

If you haven’t yet taken the time to watch Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture: Achieving Your Childhood Dreams, stop reading, open a new browser, and watch it on YouTube. … Then come back here.

One of the remarks he makes is that “Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.” Surely you’ve heard or said to another, “I didn’t enjoy xyz, but it was a good experience.” There’s a lot of truth to this - you ARE getting valuable experience in everything new you do (whether you enjoy it or not), and a collection of experiences good, bad, and ugly can take you much farther than just a collection of good experiences alone.

At the beginning of this millennium, I held a job for about three years that was chock full of, “No, I don’t like my job, but I’m learning a lot and it’s a great experience” moments. One day it finally dawned on me, the world has infinite possibilities of great (and lousy) experiences, but I have finite time on this earth. Yes I’m learning a lot, but is this the experience I want to invest my time into? The obvious answer was no, since even the good experiences weren’t appealing to me. I realized I needed to spend my time and energy on areas I care more passionately about. Ultimately I did find a new role and company, and five years later, I can say it was the absolute right move for me. I also can say that the experience I gained in the prior job has served me extremely well.

Experience is what it is, and you’re the only one who can decide if that which you’re accumulating is good or bad for you. Remember to focus your energy on YOUR big rocks – not someone else’s sand or pebbles.

Action Challenges: Value and appreciate all of the experiences you are collecting, but make sure that the lessons you are learning are the ones you want to learn.

1) Follow YOUR passions, and go get good and bad experiences THERE. If you dream of being a massage therapist, getting your accounting degree may not be the best use of your time. Yes – accounting is a great skill to know, and you WILL LEARN A LOT in the process. However, it doesn’t get you closer to your massage license, and unless that’s how you’re planning to pay the bills while you are getting your spa off the ground (i.e., a means to an end), it’s a waste of your time. If you hate numbers, it may be downright painful. Go to your happy massage place; I guarantee you, there will be *plenty* of bad experiences to get under your belt there too!!

2) As you accumulate “bad” experience along the way, make sure you’re learning something different from each one. There’s good to be found in each and every one, and remember that variety is key. Getting hit by the same stick over and over again, not only is one bad experience, but it’s the same bad experience over and over!! You can only learn so much from the same experience!!

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"I’m a big fan of ‘if what you’re doing hurts, stop doing it!’"

- Althea Martelino

If you’d like to know how Randy’s doing, he is tracking his final journey here.

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

How’s Your Tude?

I’m Excellent! … but trying to get better :o)

Steve is the TSA inspector who greeted me in the Seattle-Tacoma airport, one fine Sunday morning in April as I was starting my journey home from my grandparents’ house. He is probably in his late 40s, with a grey mustache and a warm smile that crinkles his eyes. His job is fairly unappreciated – on this morning, he was comparing IDs to boarding passes at the A-N-S gates, helping shuttle travelers quickly through the security procedures. When it came my turn, I gave him my usual cheerful, “Hi! How are you?” … my goal is to be friendly and polite, but not over the top enough to trigger extended body cavity searches, etc. Rather than the normal, bored, sighed “fine” that I usually receive in response, Steve replied, “I’m Excellent!” He paused, then continued, “but I’m trying to get better.” He handed me my documents back, and wished me a great day.

As I moved forward to the metal detectors, his words registered with me, and I got a grin on my face, as it occurred to me what he’d said. I turned back to say something, but he was already engaged with another traveler, so I took a note of his name and general appearance, then moved on my way. His words have stuck with me over the last two months, and I must confess, I’ve stolen and recycled his response with glee! It tends to generate the same response I had … a few moments after you say it, the thought registers, and people start to chuckle. Nothing wrong with that! Think about his attitude though!!

First of all, I like to think that “how are you” generally is a greeting – not an inquiry about one’s health. Other than your closest friends and family, most people really don’t want to hear about your aches and pains, or how tired you are, or how pissed off you are at the guy who cut you off, or whatever. Sometimes your friends and family don’t even want to hear it. Generally they’re expecting, “Fine, and you?” and that’s the extent of it. However, when someone does say something other than “Fine…” face it – nine times out of ten, they’re going to tell you something negative. What a surprise when Steve said he was excellent! That’s the spirit!

Secondly, I *LOVE* the concept of being in a great place – and trying to get better!!! The spirit of continuous improvement is a wonderful thing, and that for Steve, being “Excellent” was only a starting point! Now, there is a point where you can go too far, if you’re obsessed with perfection. As Millie Betts often says, “Perfectionism is the highest form of self-abuse.” I’m not advocating that, or that you should be dissatisfied when you are in a good place. I’m simply suggesting to keep pushing yourself to go just a little further, do a little better, try a little harder, and in this way continue growing with every opportunity.

Action Challenge: Think about what your attitude on life is. Do you focus on that which is good and can get even better? Or do you focus on the negatives? Take time to celebrate the things that are really going well for you, and find little (or big!!) ways to make them even MORE positive than they already are. It’s all about continuous improvement.

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"If you do things well, do them better. Be daring, be first, be different, be just."

- Anita Roddick

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

It's Not Cancer or AIDS

There are worse things that can happen...

I received a response to my "What's the Worst That Can Happen" blog last week that I wanted to share. Sravanthi is one of my mentees at work, and she wrote to me about her own experience. I share it with you here verbatim (with her permission).

Stephanie,

After reading your blog, I wanted to share this with you. I had similar feeling, but with my personal life. I wrote this a year ago when a friend asked me about a personal achievement that I learnt a lot from. Hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did!

My personal achievement that transformed me into a stronger individual

I attended the most prestigious institute in India, the Indian Institute of Technology (IIT), where less than one percent of applicants enroll. However, I have congenital scoliosis, and a few days after I joined IIT, I was strongly advised to be treated surgically for this disability. I was bedridden for two months. I felt that was the end of my glorious student life. I was in midst of very tough competition and strong academic demands, and lost time due to health problems. Psychologically and physically I was very drained and unmotivated. But I did not want to give up that easily; I believed that, victories worth having are those that come as a result of hard fighting. My goal was clear, to get back to the top. I was not an easy journey for me, to get back to the top one percent of my class after a couple of semesters of non-A grades. It was a long stressful journey to prove myself, but I did it. Ultimately, I got into Purdue University with full scholarship for my graduate studies.

Unfortunately, my struggle did not end there. I had another incident few years later after I started working; it was a morning just like any other day to go to work. I was getting ready and suddenly I could not move at all. I realized that I had sprained my back and it was not normal and found out that irregular wear and tear has damaged my lower spine. Since then, I was in ACUTE PAIN for weeks. I tried everything from medication to rest to physical therapy. Yet, nothing helped to relieve my pain. I loathed my life and my situation. There was no difference between a weekday and a weekend, I was alone and MISERABLE.

I remember calling my parents and just sobbing all the time. One fine day... my father mentioned, “Its not cancer or AIDS and you are alive, learn to deal with it”. That statement COMPLETELY changed my attitude and put things in perspective for me. The business of living is the celebration of living alive. I should be happy about the fact that I am alive and am not going to die.

From then, I took a vow that I will strive for a pain free day, no matter how long it might take. I read books on back pain, changed my lifestyle, started yoga and learnt pain control techniques. I learnt not to panic but to conquer. It took me five months before I could experience my first pain free day. BUT I DID IT.... Today I can proudly say that it was my attitude and determination that brought me out of my misery. I have a son who is my proudest achievement :). I narrate my story to people who complain about back pain, hoping that it will inspire them to take charge and change their lives as I did. Every pain free day is a gift to me and I treasure it. This incident taught me that attitude is very important in life. My determination coupled with my perseverant attitude changed my life dramatically.

[The above was the "what's the worst that could happen with back pain?" thought for me]

I realized that lack of awareness of health was the reason that I was prone to illness. I was determined to figure out a way to educate people (especially Indian women) and make a difference in their lives. It was at the same time I came across “Literacy Project in India (ILP)” DC chapter with a mission to educate Indians. I volunteered to design a project for women to create awareness about the importance of health. This project provided facilities for women to exercise and teach them about health problems such as back pain and steps to prevent them. It also created awareness of “scoliosis in kids". This education made them aware of potential problems and in turn helped them take care of their families. The sense of personal satisfaction for me is indescribable.

Sravanthi

Thank you SO much Sravanthi for sharing this with me! It IS an important reminder to remember that no matter how bad you have it, someone else has it worse off, and you should be thankful for the blessings in your own life. If anyone else has another personal experience on this vein, I'd love to hear your story too!

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet."

- Old Persian Proverb

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

Thanks for the Lesson!

“It's always the women who give up their seats”

I was traveling north on the 4 5 6 line of the New York subway Friday evening, when a pleasant looking, well dressed, 60ish Lady got on at the 33rd Street station. The seats were all taken, so she took hold of a railing near me. I glanced around, and upon determining no one else was getting up, I asked Lady if she'd like to sit. She nodded without smiling. I collected my bags and stood up, and she settled down without a word.

I started reflecting (to myself) that although I had given her my seat cheerfully and we'd made eye contact a few times, Lady didn't say thank you or even give me a friendly smile. Maybe this is just the New York culture I thought, and I was happy that my dear one and I had decided to stay in Northern Virginia instead of moving to NYC. Then my mind started going to a darker place, telling myself, "Say something to her, teach her a lesson in politeness!" I kept my opinions to myself though, deciding that wouldn't be very polite of ME. Regardless I was mildly annoyed not to have received a simple thank you, although really one shouldn't do nice things expecting anything in return.

Four stops later, Lady got up to leave, and she looked at me and said, "Thank you." For a brief moment, all was right and good in my world, until she continued speaking. She pointedly looked at the young man sitting next to her and said, "It's always the women who give up their seats, you would think men would be more courteous," then stepped off the train.

I was horrified! On a trivial note, I’d offered her my seat because she was elderly; neither of our genders had anything to do with it. More notably, her "thank you" to me was really her way of being snarky to the Dude next to me. It wasn't about thanking me at all! I wish she had just stopped there... or even left without saying a single word. However there is a more profound element to this whole affair. She did what I had been contemplating - said something catty to try to teach Dude a lesson - and it made HER look like an ass! It was pure self-indulgence on her part, and although it might have made her feel good about herself, it sure didn't make me glad I gave her my seat, and I doubt it will make any difference whatsoever to Dude. Oh my goodness, I am so glad I kept my own mouth shut!

I owe Lady my own heart-felt "thank you!" I say this in all honesty, without irony or snarkiness of my own. Thank you for demonstrating to me what not to do when you're annoyed by your fellow travelers. It was a lesson I'll remember, even if it wasn't meant for me. I can't believe how close I came to teaching someone else this same lesson myself.

Action Challenges: (1) Say thank you when someone does something kind or helpful for you, even if you feel it's your due as Lady might have. (2) Keep your "constructive feedback" to yourself if you haven't been asked for it, or if the person on the receiving end may not welcome it. Be aware that you may be the one looking more like the ass, and beyond that it just may not make any difference.

Cheers and all my best to you!
~ Brooxi

"You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat people who can do nothing for them."

-Unknown

© Stephanie Brooks 2008

Don't Be THAT Girl

"I failed my driver's permit by one question, but I cried my way out of it!"

Sitting in the airport this morning, I had an opportunity to enjoy the conversations of a group of Marin County high schoolers en route from San Francisco to Iceland, by way of Dulles and Kennedy airports. Amongst other things, the topic of driving came up, and one girl laughed as she announced, "I failed my driver's permit by one question, but I cried my way out of it!"

She received a combination of atta girls and ridicule from her peers, who gave her a hard time for not knowing what a red light vs. a green light meant, or the difference between the gas and the brake pedals! Apparently, the offending question was regarding the clearance to give an ambulance, and the kids made a point of hoping aloud they weren't in that ambulance if she was on the road. All of this teasing heartened me, because in their way, they were saying, "Girlfriend, NOT COOL!"

The fact that she failed her California driving test didn't bother me; I myself failed one of those, embarrassingly enough at the age of 23, after having driven for 7 years!!! The problem is that rather than brush up on the rules of the road, she used tears to get a pass and skate by.

This is such a *weak* approach. While solving her immediate issue of getting a passing mark, it didn't actually address the knowledge issue, AND it reinforced to her that crying will let her fake her way through life. Reality is that yes, sometimes tears and other shummina shummina will get you by in this world. It's not reliable though, and if the tears (or whining, or cajoling, or sweet talking) fail, you're left without any ammo and no plan B. Better to be prepared, know your stuff, work within the guidelines (this isn't to say don't break *any* rules!), and don't rely on ploys to get you through. At some point, someone's going to see through you, and your reputation and credibility will be at risk. Worse yet, you may put yourself or someone else in physical harm's way if you don't actually know the rules of the road or whatever else it is that you are faking.

Action Challenge: When you find yourself in a difficult situation and/or on the spot, notice how quickly your mind starts making excuses or looking for the easiest way out. Once you've identified the easiest way out (it is hard to stop your mind from going down that path, so go ahead and let it go), *before* acting on it, stop and assess what is the RIGHT way to rectify the situation. Start by accepting and acknowledging responsibility for your actions without excuses, then go down the right path. It may or may not be the shortest, fastest path requiring the least amount of energy, but you'll be better for it, as will those around you who are affected by the situation. Ultimately, you'll find that this is the path of least resistance, as you go Gently Down The Stream.

Don't be THAT girl!!

Cheers and all my best to you!
~Brooxi

"Only you judge yourself on your intentions. Everyone else judges you on your actions."

- Unknown

© Stephanie Brooks 2008